In Part 1 in this series, “Verbally Abusive Relationships: Top Things about Recognizing and Understanding their Impact,” I talked about how your partner’s verbally abusive words are attempts to diminish, denigrate and define who you are-or aren’t. Your emotional hurt from hearing these words depends greatly on the emotional importance and power over you of the person who is using those words. If you have a low sense of self-worth, then the words cut more deeply. Here is a quick equation so you can see how cruel words can harm you:
Emotional Importance of the Verbally Abusive Person + Power Over You
Your Formative Years When Your Caregivers Verbally Abused You
Fear of Abandonment = Believing Verbally Abusive Words are True about You.
In this final Part in the series, I’ll offer you the top strategies for managing verbal abuse in your romantic relationship. These tips came from the workshops and town hall meetings I conducted with more than 1,200 women for my research-based, self-help books that I mention below. Here are the top tips and the top questions.
1. If my partner is verbally abusive to me, does it mean that my relationship isn’t good—and that I have to break up?
Yes and No. Most of us have said things we regret. Something comes out of your mouth, you regret it instantly, but it’s too late, it’s out there—the wrong words, the wrong tone. It’s also equally as likely that your partner has said words that hurt you emotionally.
So, how do you know, then, if your partner is good for you? I wish there were a sure-fire way to answer that question. Almost all relationships have an element of mystery—the factor that makes you wonder about a couple, “What do they see in each other?” Here are the top things to think about that come from my findings from my research:
A. Does your partner apologize? Partners who apologize with sincerity after misspeaking might be keepers.
B. Is your partner willing able to recognize, develop a corrective plan, and take action? Anyone can act their way through a seemingly heart-felt apology. Yet, actions speak louder than words.
C. Do you see signs of effort and progress? Few of us learn things right away. It takes time to change old habits. Mindfulness of your behavior, feelings and thoughts is a journey that includes wrong turns and setbacks. A healthy, caring partner may take time to be mindful. To gauge progress, keep these factors in mind:
The unkind words happen less often (decrease in frequency)
The unkind words feel less nasty, and there are fewer unkind words (decrease in intensity)
The unkind words incident lasts a shorter amount of time (decrease in duration).
It takes time for people to make effective changes in behavior. Measure your progress in months, for example.
2. What if physical or sexual abuse is part of the verbal abuse? Should I leave?
Domestic violence is a whole other issue. Your physical safety and the safety of your family are extremely important. If your partner abuses you physically or sexually, then call 911 or go to your local women’s organizations, mental health organizations, pastor, emergency room or any other similar places in your area to get an assessment of your situation and a safety action plan. Do not tell your partner ahead of time that you are taking these actions and do not threaten to take action unless he stops.
3. How do I build the inner strength, trust in myself and belief in myself that I am a good person who does not deserve these cruel words?
All these factors take time to nurture. Aim to include the following things in your Verbal Abuse Management Plan:
A. Keep a journal. Writing down incidents will remind you that the event actually happened. Keeping a journal helps you see how often these emotionally painful events occur. In your journal write your thoughts about:
How much do you believe your partner’s words?
Why are you likely to believe them?
Who else said similar words to you in your childhood? Often, unkind words from parents tell you more about they feel about them—not you. Who said unkind words to your parents?
Did your partner’s parents say unkind words to him or her?
List your good qualities.
B. Get a more objective view of your situation. Seek therapy—and stay with it. Tell a trusted and wise friend, and listen to what this person says. Talk to your religious leader. Read books about verbal abuse.
C. Develop mindfulness. Pay attention to your physical and emotional reactions. They are clues about your emotional reaction to your partner’s words. Many victims are not even aware that they are feeling emotionally hurt. Start with your head and work down your body. What are you feeling? What are you thinking about you? One of the goals is to like the-you-who-is-you in the relationship.
D. Remain calm. Don’t fight back with cruel words. Don’t throw things or threaten actions that you will regret. If you have to walk away, say something such as: “I need to think right now. Just give me a few moments.”
E. Get proactive. Use this approach:
When your partner is in a good mood, go to a safe, public place and tell him that the unkind words hurt very much and that the two of you need to develop a Signal System to indicate that unkind words have been said. You might agree to raise your arm like a stop sign. Or, you might lower your hand, palm down to signal that the two of you need to calm down.
Hold hands while you speak.
Tell him that you want to work as a team to solve the issue that can make both of so upset.
Tell your partner that you both want to act in ways that are respectful to each other and that make you each proud of your behaviors in the relationship.
Use the Rewind Technique where you start the clock over again as though nothing unkind was said.
Suggest to your partner that you might want to get professional help only to learn how to solve problems better. Mention in passing that you might go for some “coaching” on your own.
When you take action, you feel less depressed because you see that you are no longer passive.
4. In the beginning what reactions from my partner should I expect when I say that the words hurt me emotionally?
Your partner isn’t used to your speaking up or remaining calm. Most likely, your partner will say something such as:
“You’re too sensitive.”
“You always see things the wrong way.”
“You’re too stupid to get what I’m saying.”
“The trouble with you is…”
“Why can’t you just listen to me for a change?”
5. What if I’ve really had enough and want to leave?
Don’t act in haste with big decisions. Seek therapy to get an assessment and to tweak your exit strategy.
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
