Part 1 of a Series about Bad Relationships
Doesn’t this couple look happy? Isn’t the automatic joyfulness and teamwork exactly what most men and women want in love? But why does finding the right person and forging a happy team seem so difficult?
I wanted to know the answers to those questions, too. So, several years ago, I started conducting research about why today’s successful, career-minded women were often smart about work but not love. I gave talks, workshops, focus groups and surveys, and, finally, after more than a thousand accomplished women from all over the world provided information, I’m able to pass on to you my findings. I’m a Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist LCSW #7132 FL, specializing in the love and work issues of men and women. I learned, too, from my research and from the more than 10,000 women I’ve helped during my career.
I’ve put together a reference list for you to use to assess the signs that your relationship may not be good for you—either in general or right now.
Read again the last several words after the dash in the sentence above. That’s right—you might have a partner who is good for you. However, you could be going through a rough patch. You might be surprised to know that mutually happy couples report that they had months and sometimes even years of troubling time. Yet, the core of their connection, commitment, interests and values held them together.
Use the following guide to help you determine whether you are in a good or bad relationship. There is no magic score that says you are in a good or bad one. For example, it’s possible that only one thing on the list below, such as domestic violence, is sufficient for you to know to get help or get out. It’s more important that you use this guide as a set of informed eyes on your love life. In the statements below, choose which answer best describes your situation.
Guide for Learning the Signs of a Bad Relationship
1. I have a great deal of respect for my partner.
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
Multiple research findings continue to show that one of the cornerstones of long lasting, mutually satisfying couples is mutual respect. Do you have it?
2. In this relationship, I like the me in it—the way I act, feel and think about me, my partner and our relationship.
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
Liking what I call “The You who is You” in the relationship is another cornerstone of healthy love. Do you like what you’ve become in this relationship? Troubled couples often bring out the worst in each other. Are you proud of you with this person?
3. My partner and I teach each other new and healthy thoughts, actions, and feelings.
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
In mature love, each partner serves as a guide or mentor for the other. Complementary skills or styles is another cornerstone of loving relationships. Over time, your varying differences in temperament and problem-solving, for instance, help correct some shortcomings in each of you.
4. I do not tolerate abuse, hostility, harm, threats, or any other behaviors that hurt me physically, sexually, or verbally—such as constant criticism.
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
Respectful, caring, loving relationships are keepers. Yes, we can all get frustrated and angry at times, but these emotional states do NOT include threats, violence, harm or denigration.
5. My partner and I cheer each other on. We bask in our partner’s accomplishments.
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
You should expect that you each want the best for each other. Competition, jealousy and lack of support can be the kiss of death to love.
6. We work well as a team and are good problem-solvers who don’t walk away from hot topics but, instead, focus on solutions and NOT on who is right or wrong—or who needs to be in charge.
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
Smart couples don’t get caught up in playing a blaming game of history where you focus on “You said/I said.” In these relationships, someone usually likes to have control. Instead, wise couples play it forward so they can solve the problem. No one person needs to be in charge or right.
7. We are flexible in giving each other emotional, physical and sexual “space.”
- Almost all the time
- Most of the time
- Sometimes
- Rarely
Happy couples know that times together and times apart vary. One of you might have an important project or you are raising a toddler or teenager. Healthy relationships are flexible. They know that they have a solid base. No one feels emotionally strangled or neglected.
Look at your responses to see areas that need some tweaking. What have you learned about your relationship? When in doubt, seek professional help. Please send me stories about how you turned around your unfulfilling relationship.
Thank you!
