Part 3 of a Series about Bad Relationships
In my workshops for career-oriented women who are smart about work but not love, one of the questions that comes up often is how and when to leave a bad relationship. Of course, there are no set answers for all situations, but here are the top tips that helped the women the most who participated in my research about women’s issues in love, life and work.
1. Protect your safety. Most women have heard by now that men become the most violent—and even homicidal—when the woman leaves or threaten to leave the relationship. True stories about murdered girlfriends and wives on television shows such as “Dateline” or the “Lifetime Movie Network” highlight the danger of women’s decision to break up. Get wise.
Do not threaten to leave.
Do not “dig” for that straw of truth about your well-founded suspicions about things such as his having affairs or spending your money. Most likely, you know the answer. Think about his behavior the last time you went “digging” for the truth and his confession. If he’s been violent or abusive, you do not need any other reason to leave.
Do establish and use an exit strategy BEFORE you leave. Your strategy should include first going to your local domestic violence or women’s center for information, classes, therapy resources about safe houses, emergency phone numbers and exit plans that include placing money, checks, social security cards, extra credit cards, medication refills, extra car keys and other important items in a location outside your home.
Line up ahead of time friends and family you can call or run to—even in the middle of the night.
2. Make sure you understand you and why leaving is a smart decision. Relationships go bad for many reasons. Make sure that you are making the best decision possible. Here are some questions to ask you.
- Do I know why I got married or chose this man when I did? What was going on in my life at the time? Was I lonely, ill, going through hard times or losses?
- Did I or both of us seriously seek and stay in counseling?
- Do I understand why I ended up in this situation? Did I reproduce my parents’ relationship? What did I learn about love, men, women, trust, anger and fear from them?
- Am I leaving out of haste and hurt such as the sting of my partner having an affair? Do I believe I can never recover from the betrayal?
- Am I leaving because I’m having an affair? How do I know I am not jumping from the frying pan into the fire?
- Can I complete this sentence: Leaving is the best decision because…. Here are some smart reasons:
- He is violent and abusive and cannot change. Or, his character is not good—he steals, lies, does drugs, cheats repeatedly and does act in ways that are respectful of me or my children.
- We got together when I was too young or immature, and now I realize we are not a good match.
- We do not share the same values such as working, saving money, having children, being honest and other important things to me.
3. Break up as amicably as possible. If you and your partner mutually decided to split up, you might want to consider using mediation rather than attorneys. Some attorneys offer mediation. The goal is to minimize adversarial relations.
Don’t get stuck in blaming each other. Aim to end as friends. Remember—you once thought you loved him.
Please send me your story or tips. And please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish
