Part 2 of a Series about Bad Relationships
Most of us have had disagreements and bad moments, months—and even years–with our partner or spouse. Unfortunately, being in love also means a greater chance that you will feel emotionally hurt. Why is that? The basic answer is that the more you commit emotionally to a relationship, the more your Emotional Default Defenses also increase against your fears of being abandoned and unloved.
These Default Defenses are your personal signature style of handling potential loss, hurt, disappointment and insensitivity. You most likely learned and inherited this style from your parents’ way of handling things and from your genetics. Some of us, for example saw our parents fight by using harsh words, screaming, yelling or swearing. Other parents threw things—including punches. More typical styles included someone crying or storming out, walking away or going silent. And, as most mothers know, toddlers–and even babies—demonstrate their personality styles.
In Part 1 in this series, I wrote about recognizing the signs of a bad relationship. This Part 2 article provides you with some quick tips and inspiration about dealing with love and bad relationship moments. I know that quotes may not address your exact circumstances, yet they do have the power to wake you up and shake you up. I’m amazed sometimes how the power and insight of just a few wise words can open your eyes to you and your love life.
You can benefit more from these quotes if you write down your immediate thoughts after you read each one. In parentheses I added my help at the end of each quote. The first five quotes come from a wonderful website www.thinkexist.com.
1. People must be taken as they are, and we should never try make them or ourselves better by quarreling with them.
– Edmund Burke
(Don’t try to fix your partner. It will come off as criticism and rejection—two kisses of death to love. Instead, serve as a role model. And if your partner tries to fix you, then move quickly to focusing on problem-solution.)
2. Relationships based on obligation lack dignity.
-Wayne Dyer
(Do not accommodate to abuse—or else you will Die Emotionally of a Thousand Accommodations.)
3. Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.
– Anthony Robbins
(If you focus on liking the You who is You in the relationship, you will reduce the intensity and frequency of arguments.)
4. The ultimate test of a relationship is to disagree but to hold hands.
– Alexandria Penney
(The power of touch automatically calms discussions of those hot topics.)
5. There is no substitute for the comfort supplied by the utterly taken-for-granted relationship.
– Iris Murdoch
(This is one of my favorites! You hear so much about NOT taking your partner for granted. But I live and have seen in my research that happy couples should be able to assume certain behaviors from our partners: understanding, empathy, generosity, kindness, reliability, etc.)
6. Love is an attempt at penetrating another being, but it can only succeed if the surrender is mutual.
– Octavio Paz, Mexican poet
(For love to run more smoothly, you both must drop your defenses.)
7. Having someone wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night is a very old human need.
– Margaret Mead
(Love should provide comfort in the smallest things. If you are not joyed to see your partner, then start thinking about how either you or your partner is part of the problem.)
8. Love is patient, love is kind, and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly…
– 1 Corinthians 13:4-8
(Love requires the best of you and your partner. No one can be his or her best all the time, but be quick to apologize and seek help to change your maladaptive reactions.)
Hope these quotes spark your thinking!
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