Part 1 in a Series on unhealthy relationships.
Does your relationship feel like an empty basket? It’s a horrible feeling. Your hopes were up, you thought this man was a good—or even good enough—mate for you. Just like the cart in the picture, your love had wheels, and you were ready to move forward. And maybe you did for a while, but then…
Well, something made those wheels stop and that cart feel empty. Even though previously, I’ve written other blog series about closely related topics such as Signs of a Bad Relationship, my readers want more help with these issues. So, in this next series, I’ll give you more tips.
Here is a quick assessment checklist about your man’s unkind behavior that makes your relationship unhealthy.
Your Relationship and Your Man: Your Quick SMART List
Each letter in SMART stands for:
S Slights:
He slights you way too often. He criticizes you for things big and small such as your not serving dinner hot or on the time that he likes. He also criticizes you in public, and when you complain, he minimizes the emotional pain he’s caused in you.
M Macho Behavior:
He’s the boss all the time. He doesn’t even have to act macho—you just know that he has the first, middle and last word. He often makes major decisions without consulting you or at least valuing your needs and opinions.
A Anxiety Management:
He makes little effort or has little ability to manage his intense emotions. His behavior might not look like anxiety. For example, he may not do typical things such as chew his fingernails, pace the floor, get irritable, spend increased time watching television, being on the computer or sleeping and tune out too much. Instead, he may procrastinate and refuse to take important action or he might lash out at you and constantly blame you. We can all act in ways that are not productive or kind at times.
However, be on the lookout for ineffective or cruel behavior that does not remit. Your gauge to chart positive change is a sustained decrease in:
Frequency of various withdrawal and procrastination behaviors and outbursts, including:
- Verbal, physical, sexual and financial abuse
- Intensity of reactions, including all the above
- Duration of reactions, including all the above.
R Respect:
Does your man respect who you are? Does he like and value you? Does he show affection and appreciation of you? Does he go with you to important medical appointments? Does he thank you and do those random acts of kindness like pick up your dry cleaning? Does he treat the children, stepchildren and dog with love? Does he expect you to engage in demeaning sex?
T Trust:
Do you trust that he won’t abuse the finances by doing things such as gambling, “borrowing” without paying you back or buying expensive items without discussing it with you? Does he cheat, spend hours watching pornography or lie to you frequently?
It’s also a good idea for you to have some overall tips and reminders about what your good behavior should look like in a relationship.
Your in a Healthy Relationship: Your Quick SMART Goals
Each letter in SMART stands for:
S Self-Knowledge & Self-Awareness:
You should know about the patterns of your past love choices. Do you tend to take charge so much that you collude in making your partner too passive or in excluding and minimizing his needs? Or, do you give in and give up too much of your needs to a man?
Do you know why and how you got into this pattern? What did you learn about men, love, trust, happiness and control from your childhood in your family? How much of this information have you explained to your partner?
M Mindfulness:
How aware are you of your feelings and physical reactions when you are with your partner? Your reactions are cues and clues about what’s going on in you at the moment. Are you aware of your tone and choice of words—and how these factors contribute to the problem? Mindfulness helps you learn about your emotional hot buttons. You should know why these are hot topics for you and how you got them. They almost always have originate from your childhood experiences. As soon as you know what your cues are telling you. discuss them with your partner.
A Anger Management and Anxiety Toleration:
Managing and recognizing your intense emotions are necessary for healthy interactions and healthy relationships. Even if you are angry at your partner, it’s healthier and wiser if you report your feelings rather than act hastily, abusively, or too defensively. Give your partner a number from 1 to 10, with 10 high, as to how much you are angry or hurt. Then move quickly toward problem-solution. Don’t rehash every little word or gesture. Problem-solving helps you avoid blaming and criticizing your partner and withdrawing from him.
Anxiety naturally increases with new behaviors—especially if your new actions rock the boat. Most of the time, it isn’t a good idea to hold back on talking to your partner about unpleasant things. If you are unhappy, you probably should speak up. Warehousing your feelings builds resentment. But don’t just put your feelings out there. Brainstorm together some solutions. However, if your partner is abusive, then I strongly recommend that you seek counseling first to discuss safe ways to express your feelings. Abusive partners often become more abusive when you speak up or threaten to leave.
R Risk-Taking and Rebound Ability:
You must risk putting your heart out there for love. It is confusing that since the biggest fear of humans is to be abandoned physically and emotionally, we often hide the part of us that we find least lovable. Yet, if you want to feel loved, known, accepted, respected and celebrated, you have no other choice. Have you let your partner know you?
T Trust building in your judgment:
Eventually, you will build an internal, automatic Trust Meter as to when you are correct in your assessment of you, your partner and the situation. You have accomplish this skill by becoming more mindful of you.
I hope these tips helped you. Please send me your comments, sign up on my website www.lovevictory.com, and follow me on Twitter @LeslieBeth Wish to receive my blogs, learn about my books and other things. Thank you!
