Part 2 of a Series: What to Do on First, Second and Third Dates
Second dates might mean second chances—which is often a good idea, but second dates usually mean that you are both interested in spending time with each other.
If you did not spend your first date by just hanging out with friends or strolling flea markets or attending casual, community events such as boat or home shows, then I highly recommend that you do some kind of casual activity together where you can observe your date’s ability to share, be patient, interested, and engaged with others, and reveal other key aspects of his or her character.
So, let’s assume that you were smart and lucky enough to make your first date casual. After all, there are always exceptions and unavoidable circumstances that might have determined your first date such as a fundraiser. Even so, hopefully, you had on your observer glasses and watched for hints of your date’s character.
But now you are on a second date. What are good second dates—and which ones are wiser to avoid? I recommend, if possible, still putting off movies or any activity such as attending a concert because these situations limit your interaction. Don’t worry if you can’t structure your second date so you can see your date’s behavior. There is always something to observe and learn, and you can make your next date function as a second date.
Ideally, though, if you have choices, I suggest either making your second date similar to your first by going for a stroll in the city, a walk in the park or dinner at a casual place where you can sit and talk without feeling pressure from a long line of people who want your table or from the wait staff who want you to leave.
So, just what should you talk about? There is no script, but the goals are to get mindful of your date’s words, body language and tone, and also to be mindful of how he or she makes you feel—all while, well, just talking and being together. Sound difficult? Not really. You automatically live on at least two tracks—being present and being mindful—every day with people, but you just aren’t consciously aware that as you talk, for example, with a new colleague that you are also making observations. I’m asking you to be more conscious. Enjoy yourself while you are being a Dating Sleuth.
Yet, if you want to make your time together yield the most useful information, I do have specific topics and questions you can ask that will give you big clues about him or her. You can ask each other the same questions as a sort of game. Or, you can steer the conversation to topics that would make asking certain questions seem more natural.
Some couples use this time to tell their “war stories” about their divorce or recent breakup. There’s nothing wrong with talking about these experiences, but often these conversations range from anger to criticism to stories that could match any Lifetime Movie Channel true story. My suggested questions and topics below include smarter ways to ask about these past relationships so you can learn more about each other and get a sense of what it would be like to be with this person in everyday life. To be fair, you should answer the same question that you ask of your date.
Smart Conversations
1. Ask your date to “run the movie” of a typical week or ten days in his or her life. You offer the same. And don’t “dress it up.” If you continue to date, the truth will come out anyway!
2. What would be your top ideal vacations?
3. What behaviors or character qualities would you most like to avoid—or at least minimize—in your next partner?
4. What adjectives best describe you?
5. How do you think your ex would describe you? Would she or he be right or wrong? How so?
6. What is one annoying—but not serious—behavior that you do?
7. What would you like to do on our next date—and sex is not an allowable choice!
These questions and topics should fill your evening! Be sure not to end it with sex—especially if you feel the urge to do that. And don’t’ play emotional games with yourself or your date by going back to one of your places to talk some more—all the while knowing that being alone, late at night, after a fun evening, sitting together on the couch, listening to music in the dark, having one more sip of wine…well, you get the picture.
Instead, find a hotel bar or late night place to continue your conversation. Remind yourself that you don’t really know each other. Anyone can filter what he or she tells you.
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.