Research Tips that Really Help from The Love Adventures of 
When I was doing research about the love issues of today’s women who are often smart about work but not love, I discovered while I was conducting workshops, I just wasn’t connecting. It’s a terrible feeling to know that you’re not reaching the very people you want to help—but there it was. Every time I offered explanations, many of the women sat with their arms folded across their chest, and broadcasted with their body language: You won’t get at my core issues.
Then at 3:30 in the morning, I bolted up from my pillow and said out loud to the room in a burst: “I have to reach them visually. I have to create a cartoon character named whose love missteps will appear in 52 cartoon strips, one for each week. Each cartoon will be based on a key research finding, and it will include 3 tips. Cookie will be a family law attorney who can’t straighten out her own love life. Her full name is Christina Olivia O’Keefe. The visual power of the cartoons will disarm the verbally defensive styles of the women in my study and make it easier for them to learn.” And that’s exactly what happened.
Here is a list of the top relationship tips that helped the women in my study. If you follow them, you can become a much smarter cookie in love! At the end of the list is a surprise.
Top Dating, Mating and Relating Tips
1. Sex. Take your time. Hold off on sex too soon. Yes, I know that cultural views on women have changed and that women can act purely on sexual urges. Yet, research studies by respected authors such as Helen Fisher continue to show that sex is more satisfying within healthy relationships. Also, sex arouses the neural hormone oxytocin. This hormone accelerates feelings of closeness—BEFORE you actually know each other! Do you really want to drop your guard, long for, spend time with and feel elation for a stranger? Don’t you ever watch those stories on Dateline?
2. Good and Bad Times. Take time to know each other through good times and bad. We all have Emotional Default Drives that crop up in times of stress. Be sure you know what your man is like when he feels confident and anxious. It’s not unusual, for example, for a man to want you when he’d down on his luck but not want you any longer when he’s back on his feet.
3. Like the You-Who-is-You-in-the-Relationship. Keep your observer button on. Watch how you and he act and interact. Do you like you in love? It’s wiser to focus on your thoughts, feelings and actions rather than on the “type” of man. Be proud of you.
4. Like and respect him. Do you like how he treats you and others? Are you always making excuses for him? Marital research by noted authors such as John Gottman reveals that mutual respect is a main part of healthy, happy couples. When couples don’t respect each other, they become critical and rejecting of their partner—two potential kisses of death to love. Your best tool is to develop mindfulness. Become aware of your feelings and physical reactions when you are with your partner. What is it that is making your tummy flop or your legs shake? Your body cues you to your emotions. Pay attention. It will help you recognize when your partner is not treating you well—and when you need to speak up.
5. Be you. It’s tempting to stay on guard and put on your best show in the beginning of dating, but think about it: Don’t you wonder if he is putting on an act? You may never know for sure, but if you are you then at least you have a better sense that he likes the real you. Drop a little of your guard and let him see at least one annoying habit. Pay attention to his reaction. Annoying habits are hard to change, so test the dating waters now. On the other hand, don’t roll out your entire history, warts and all. It’s too soon. Give him a chance to care about you—and for you to know if you’d like someone you hardly know to know so much about you!
6. Develop emotional bravery. It’s not easy to face you. We all have regrets and things we’d rather not have plastered across the front page of a newspaper. Just because you feel you have flaws or things you’d rather ex-out of your history, it doesn’t mean you are unlovable. Make peace with you. Aim to understand your past and to accept you. Make a list of your good qualities. Make a list of those incidents from your past that you don’t like. Write down your new ways of thinking and feeling and explaining them to you. Being emotionally brave also means doing things that might make you feel anxious. Anxiety won’t kill you. Aim to get through it. One sign of your fears getting the better of you is an urge to drop out of the dating scene when your heart has been broken or when you’ve gotten divorce. Don’t let fear run or ruin your life. Yes, it’s a good idea to take your time getting back out there—but only if you’ve used that time to learn about you. Seek therapy for another set of eyes.
7. Know about where you came from and its impact on you. You weren’t hatched. As children we are amazingly malleable. Your caregivers contributed to your view of self, the world, men, women, love and trust. But you don’t have to have had a perfectly wonderful childhood in order to be happy. Write down everything your caregivers taught you and how they treated you. Realize that their words and values say far more about them than you! You can do a “re-do.”
Now that you’ve been smart enough to read this article, at the end of the paragraph below are free bookmarks. Copy them to cardstock paper and print. I’ve given you two. Some people have glued them together so they have a double-sided bookmark. You can make them bigger or smaller. Enjoy!
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
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