Part Two in a Two-Part Series.
In Part One in this series I offered key tips about how to manage arguments with your partner. As a recap, the main tips are:
1. Expect to have disagreements. Happiness does not mean that you won’t disagree. In fact, your differences strengthen your relationship since couples tend to bring complementary viewpoints that can expand your thinking.
2. Realize that some issues may not be resolved exactly as you would like. Don’t aim for perfection. Work on compromising, building team work and understanding your partner.
3. Report your feelings rather than acting on them in unhealthy ways such as yelling. By giving your partner a number from one to ten, you signal him or her about the importance of the issue. Talk out your issues in a safe place such as a restaurant, and hold hands to increase calmness.
More Tips
1. Use a “Do-Over” and a “Time Out” the moment you know you misspoke or allowed a disagreement to escalate. We all make communication errors. They usually happen when you are stressed or the topic is one of your “hot buttons” or your partner’s urgency or anxiety about needing closure makes you anxious or irritable. The fallout is a disagreement that gets way out of control.
Let’s use Mandy and Andrew’s situation as a teaching story. One night Andrew complained in a loud voice that he was fed up with his live in girlfriend Mandy’s lack of cooking him a hot meal for dinner. He said, “I do so much around here. The least you could do is make me a decent dinner for a change.”
Andrew’s tone and words infuriated Mandy. She said, “You know I’ve had this huge project on my shoulders. And just what is it that you do around here? I do all the laundry, grocery shopping and running interference with your mother while you watch endless sports on television.”
Andrew countered. “I do not. And what about your stupid sister who calls when she has a hang-nail?”
“My sister is not stupid. She’s going through a horrible divorce.”
“Yeah,” Andrew said. “So much for marriage.”
Andrew’s words about marriage were the final blow, and Mandy stormed out of the room.
Do you have disagreements that escalate, too? So, what should you do to calm the situation?
Instead: Use this technique to learn how Mandy and Andrew changed the way they communicated.
a. They became more mindful of their feelings and physical reactions to learn their body’s cues and clues. When Mandy felt her heart race and her teeth clench whenever Andrew spoke, she knew that she was getting too defensive and angry. For his part, Andrew knew he was getting irritated whenever his shoulders hunched up. Observe your own physical changes and learn what they are signaling about your feelings. In addition, they became more mindful of their own tone and words.
b. They agreed to use a hand signal to signify “Stop.” They then each took a breath and stopped disagreeing for the moment. They each made sure to keep their hand close to their own body and to raise the hand below chest height to avoid misinterpreting the hand as a sign of threat.
c. If either one of them felt too out of control, he or she said any of the following:
“I need to cool down. I need a Time Out to get my thoughts clear.”
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to say those things. I’m stressed. I want a Do-Over.”
2. Know your “hot buttons” and “hot topics.” It’s not enough to become mindful of your reactions. You have to know what issues get you riled up. Mandy and Andrew had several issues that were festering. Mandy wanted to get married, but Andrew seemed reluctant. Mandy also was under intense work strain at her new job. Her boss promoted her to Project Manager, a position that included lots of responsibility and a high salary.
Andrew’s career was not advancing as rapidly, and he felt insecure about his financial future. He didn’t want to get married until he felt more confident about his earning power. When Mandy didn’t prepare a meal, he felt disrespected, and he retreated into watching television.
Their individual issues were the “elephant in the room” of hot topics that neither wanted to address.
Instead: Take responsibility for knowing your issues. Use your version of Mandy and Andrew’s approach.
a. Know your unresolved relationship issues and your hot buttons and topics. Mandy and Andrew each sat down and wrote on a piece of paper the top issues.
b. They agreed that each person was responsible for offering his or her ideal solutions—even if he or she feared the partner wouldn’t like it.
c. They also agreed ahead of time that you were not allowed to veto a solution without offering a new one.
However, they did not immediately share their lists. They took this next step.
3. Develop empathy and understanding of your partner’s issues, insecurities, hot topics and unresolved problems. Loving partners should aim to learn about each other’s childhoods, past relationships, career dreams and goals and other key factors. Fights often occur because the past infringes on the present. Soon, your arguments drag in older issues.
Instead: Your responsibility is to know your partner so your partner feels that you “get” him or her. Don’t you want your partner to “get” you? Be sure you recognize which disagreements activate your issues. Mandy and Andrew used the following technique to make sure they understood and empathized with his or her partner’s mix of past and present issues. Use your own version of this Reverse Role skill.
a. As I mentioned above, they did not share their lists. Instead, Mandy pretended she was Andrew. She thought about his hot topics and their origins. And then she spoke out loud as Andrew to Andrew. She said:
“I think I got upset because I don’t feel loved. And I think you have doubts about us. Here you are realizing your career goals, and here I am still taking classes. I pull back and watch t.v. because I want to hide from my own insecurities.”
b. Then Mandy checked with Andrew to see if she got it right. He agreed, and he read what he wrote.
c. Then Andrew pretended he was Mandy. He said:
“I’m very insecure about this sudden rise in importance at work. I’m scared. So I’m working extra hard. I don’t know when to stop.” Andrew checked with Mandy, and she said he was correct, and she read what she wrote.
d. Let the process of mutual empathy lead you to a solution. It’s a funny thing what happens next. In most couples, the process of building empathy not only strengthens your bonds, but it also almost automatically leads you to a solution.
Mandy and Andrew decided that Mandy would set a time limit on how much work she would do at home. This decision made her work more effectively and it allowed them more time together. They also agreed, whenever possible, to prepare meals together. It saved time and gave them a chance to talk about their day.
Finally, they decided not to discuss marital plans until Andrew was done with his coursework. A year later they married.
I hope this story serves as a template for you and your partner.
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
