Make Sure You Are Not All Work and No Play
I’ve been conducting research for several years about the dating, mating, and relating mistakes of today’s career-minded women and executives. I write and research about things that bother me, and I had been puzzled for a long time about why so many smart women who are capable and competent at work are clueless when it comes to men.
Since I am a Licensed Clinical Psychotherapist LCSW #7132 FL, I had some executive dating advice for women. But, when I based the core of my findings on the general population, I was surprised at some of my results.
I discovered how the impact of their attitudes and behavior about work affected their love life. Look at the Cookie cartoon below. Does it resemble your life a great deal of the time?
Here are some of the questions I asked my research participants. Think about how you would respond to them. There is no score since even one answer yes could be powerful enough to affect your romantic life.
1. I work and work until I drop.
True or False
2. It’s been more than two months since I had a good belly laugh.
True or False
3. Other than work-related things, I have not developed any strong, new interests or activities.
4. True or False
5. I feel closer to my work colleagues than I do other people.
True or False
6. I’m disappointed in myself that I can’t seem “to have it all” in my life.
True or False
7. I think that I chose the wrong career.
True or False
8. I go to bed anxious or wake up in the middle of the night or have trouble falling asleep.
True or False
9. I have gone through long periods of time when I “swear off” men—even while I am in a relationship!
True or False
10. I have the reputation at work of being difficult.
True or False
What are you learning about you?
Here’s what I learned from the more than one thousand women in my study. I’ll use Cookie’s life as a composite, typical story from the women in my study.
Cookie is a very successful family attorney. Her life is at work. And it’s a good thing, she thinks because she sure isn’t doing a very good job in her love life outside of work. In fact, she’s been so disappointed in men that she’d rather fill her life with work, work meetings, work colleagues, work conferences and boards, and work to take home.
Oh, once she had a brief fling with a co-worker who turned out to be married. She and this man were working on a very high-profile case, and they won. The intensity of working together made her feel close to him, and they became intimate.
Things ended—but not just because he lied. Cookie discovered that their mutual work excitement overpowered her senses and her ability to assess this man accurately. She had allowed her brain’s neuro-arousal to fool her into feeling close.
The experience frightened her so much that she took a vacation from love. The problem is that the vacation is lasting longer than she intended. She’s having sleep problems, and a nasty pessimism is setting in. She’s losing her sense of humor, the joy of her job, and her trust in her judgment. Even worse, deep down inside she feels flawed. She hates failing, hates making mistakes, and hates that at her age she has not “achieved it all.” Floating around her head like a ticker tape is her mother’s voice: “Why haven’t you settled down?”
The image of the tin man from the “The Wizard of Oz” comes to mind. She’s hardened, gone stiff inside, and difficult and perfectionistic at work. After all, despite her ambivalent feelings about work, she’s still putting all her life into her work-basket.
Just six weeks ago she ran into a colleague she hadn’t seen in a while, and they started dating. She was thrilled. She thought “this is it. He’s The One.” She loved his sweetness. But then she discovered that even though he was a tiger in the courtroom, he was a kitten in real life—a Mama’s Boy, actually. When his mother made some negative remarks about her, he began to pick on her. The relationship soon ended, and now Cookie is even more frightened. She read this man wrong, too.
If your answers and this story remind you of you, here are some of the top tips to avoid letting your work life affect your dating life.
- Develop new non-work related interests. You will meet new men and women, including women who could fix you up. The goal is to diversify your work and life identity so that when one area is not going well, you still have other identity-legs to stand on.
- Don’t swear off men. Your pessimism will soon spill over into other areas of your life, and increase your stress. You might begin to isolate yourself socially or restrict your life to only work. Even worse, you could develop sleep problems that impair your functioning and health. Dropping out of the dating world will also make you interpersonally rusty, and you won’t be able to read men as well. Instead of looking for Mr. Right, set your goal to learn how to read men better. Read some books, make some predictions about your men, and continue to date to see if you are correct. Oh, and don’t forget to laugh. Watch funny movies or shows.
- Give up the pressure of having to “have it all right now and right away.” Pick goals—any goals–that are important to you and work on them. The best way to feel good about you is to work toward a purpose that provides meaning. It’s not a bad idea, actually, to glance over at other people’s accomplishments. You can use them to give you a kick in the pants. But don’t use them to so down on you that you give up on life and decide to hide out at work instead. Finally, don’t recruit pessimism to disguise an honest look at yourself. Blaming men, your job, or the universe is a sure self-lie. When you’re brave enough to look in the mirror, you increase your chances at happiness in love.
What do you think? Please share your experience in the comments.
Engage with me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish
