Most women have been emotionally hurt in love, but not all of them have shut down their hearts to men or the idea of falling in love again. The smart women in my study didn’t blame the man for everything, nor did they build defensive walls. Strong and secure women have no need for armor.
I’ve been doing research on women’s issues on love and work for several years, and I’ve learned about how their missteps in love turn them into pessimists. Here are some of the key findings along with dating advice for women and tips that I’ve selected for you that come from my upcoming books.
The women who said they had the most difficulty getting back into the love ring made the following statements. See if they sound like you:
- I don’t get over past hurts very well.
- I hate making mistakes—of any kind.
- I keep up my protective shield with a man for a long time.
Look at my cartoon below of how my character Cookie reacts to being hurt. Can you picture you in it?
So, why are you so afraid? Read these main reasons that women often end up hiding out and walling up their hearts. I’ve given you some of the suggestions that worked the best for the women in my study.
1. Problem: You lack trust in your judgment.
As one of the woman said when her relationship ended: “It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I never saw his cruelty before. How could I have been so blind–and stupid?”
You get blindsided and turn into a perpetual pessimist who believes that very few men can be trusted. Your antenna goes way up because you are convinced that most men cheat, lie, and get hookers.
Solutions:
- Get mindful of your emotional and physical reactions. Develop recognition of when you feel hurt or angry.
- Observe your partner’s reactions and behavior. Does he tend to walk away from a disagreement? Does he criticize, blame, or yell at you?
- Observe your reactions to his reactions. Do you minimize his mistreatment of you? Do you use tactics that are similar to his?
- Get solution-oriented immediately instead of blame-oriented so you can see how well you two can work as a problem-solving team.
- Do NOT put your “best foot forward” with the next man. Let him see the little quirks in you so you can speed up the process of really knowing each other.
2. Problem: You’ve had a meltdown and fear you can’t survive another hurt.
Yes, love can hurt—but it doesn’t have to make you hide. Yes, use an honest and brave assessment of your relationship and incidents as part of your healing process. But don’t fool yourself into rationalizing that you always need many seasons—or years and years—of healing time. And yes, there is no magic number about how long it takes to get over some things. There are always exceptions. Some of the women’s worst situations involved embezzlement, sexual abuse of children, and lies about marital status.
Solutions:
- Get professional help if you get too depressed, can’t sleep, have eating difficulties, are crying a lot, can’t function, or think about killing yourself. When in doubt, seek help anyway. Tell yourself that you deserve to be happy and well.
- Develop a perspective on your fears and mistakes. Not all mistakes.in love turns into mortal wounds. Ask yourself how you would describe the degree of the hurt. For example, were you hit with a pillow, a push, a pinch, or a brick.
- Get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. The women said they felt stupid for being stupid, and they feared feeling fearful. So, instead of avoiding hurt and fear, do non-relationship related things that frighten you or make you feel embarrassed. Take singing or dancing lessons, learn a language, go back to school. Success in one area usually builds inner strength in others. Your goal is to be able to say to yourself: “Well, I overcame my fears in doing this, so why not in doing that?” Aim to build belief in your ability to recover.
3. Problem: Deep down inside—if you are brave enough to go there—you feel flawed and therefore not so lovable.
We all have things in us that we don’t like. Accepting and improving these aspects are not easy. Feeling flawed can lead you to avoiding life and love. Your first step in quieting down those messages is to bring your negative self-messages to the surface.
Solutions:
- Make a list of things that bother you the most about you. Include things that embarrass you or make you feel flawed and ashamed.
- Now pretend that you have to go before the Love Judge. This judge determines whether you are relationship material and if you deserve to be loved and accepted. What defense would the judge use for each of the items on your list?
- Make a list of things you can do—or not do—to demonstrate that you are not going to let your negative self-beliefs rule your behavior. For example, one of the women in the group was very upset about her weight gain. She joined an exercise class, and she pretended in the meantime that she was attractive when she met men.
I hope these starter ideas get you started on building emotional bravery and care for you! Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish, and sign up below if you would like to receive more blogs, tips, and news about my books, “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie TM” which is the cartoon self-help book,; and the more in-depth book, “Smart Relationships,” to be published in July by New Horizon Press. Thank you in advance.
