Even if you are sure that you are over your recent break up, be careful about falling in love too soon again. How do you know if your new love is a wise choice? Here are some tips to help you avoid a rebound love that is unhealthy for you.
1. Get mindful of your behavior in your new relationship. Put on an imaginary pair of glasses that allow you to be present and to observe your actions at the same time. Throughout your new relationship keep a journal and make sure you include commenting on these general questions:
Am I acting out of haste or loneliness?
Do I accept unacceptable behavior from my new partner out of fear that he will leave me?
Am I rushing sex?
Am I really happy?
Am I chasing after love?
Am I taking charge of the relationship out of fear that he will leave?
2. Accept that you will feel rotten, lonely, blameworthy, confused, angry, or relieved about your break up. Even if you knew that breaking up was the best thing for you, it’s likely that you are not totally jumping for joy. Break ups are not fun. They automatically require you to undergo unpleasant emotions. But don’t panic. If you think you cannot survive the emotional pain and confusion, seek professional help immediately.
Don’t rely on unwise methods to make you feel good. Overeating, starving yourself, relying on drugs or alcohol to avoid the pain, or going on a shopping spree that breaks your bank account will make you feel worse!
Life includes emotionally painful experiences. Feeling lonely, sad, angry or confused are not pleasant feelings. Develop techniques to help you get through them. Here are some suggestions from the women in my study:
Reach out to new and old friends and family. Staying socially connected is good medicine.
Exercise, eat right, get sleep. No explanation needed!
Get involved in charity. Studies show that people who participate in charitable acts such as holiday soup kitchens heal quicker from emotional hurts. The act of giving connects you to others, gives you a perspective on your plight, and boosts your sense of self-worth.
Don’t be afraid of being afraid or unhappy. Tell yourself that it is normal to feel blue after a break up.
Keep up your interests. Don’t fall behind at work or school.
3. Learn from your past relationship. No one likes making the same mistake too many times. Here are some questions to help you understand your past relationship.
Why did I choose this person?
What do I think went wrong?
What was going on in my life when I chose this person?
What qualities do I now know I need in a relationship?
What are my weak areas or unhealthy love attractions?
What do I want to avoid in my next relationship?
What do I need to improve about me?
4. Don’t try to avoid the hurt by filling the void by choosing the next man standing. Choices made out loneliness or fear will not necessarily heal your heart. Ask yourself: Why am I panicking? Make a list of why your fear meter is running on high. For example, is your biological clock ticking? Have you never lived alone or been without a man? Are your parents pressuring you? Have your parents been a poor role model about love?
Slow down. If your anxiety is still high, seek professional help.
5. Don’t think just because you now have chosen someone whom you think is totally opposite from your previous partner that you are making a wise choice. A high number of women in my study did a “relationship flip” and chose someone who was the polar opposite of their previous partner.
For example, if you broke up with someone who was too controlling, you might choose someone whose initial easy-going style morphs into unreliability. Sweetness and calm in men are very good qualities—but not at the expense of being decisive and effective. When your nice man suddenly can’t be there when the going gets tough, you might break up and then find yourself attracted to a man whose authoritarian style you mistakenly saw as being responsible. And so, you flip back again.
The best way to avoid over-correcting your previous choice is to keep your eyes on your behavior. Take a look again at the first thing on this list that includes questions you should be asking yourself. Aim to be your best self in all your intimate relationships—and to bring out the best in your partner.
6. Date lots of different kinds of people. Don’t worry if the person doesn’t seem your “type” or if there isn’t any “chemistry.” Give you and your dates time. You might be surprised. Often, the best way to learn about you and your needs is to get to know different people.
7. Postpone sex. Get to know someone over time, and don’t let the high of sex hijack your ability to see and think clearly. Make sure you both feel the same way about each other.
If these tips aren’t working for you, please be kind to yourself and seek professional help. Get brave. Act with love for you!
You can find your bravery!
