Part 1 in a Series of 2
Some people wonder what could be so bad about a few harsh words every so often. After all, people might think, you weren’t punched in the face or touched in the night by family members.
And that’s exactly the problem: Verbal abuse seems to many of us, well, just not that big a deal. But it’s precisely our ignorance and denial of the power of words that allow verbal abuse to seep into our feelings and beliefs about ourselves.
I hope after reading this article I’ve at least made you think again about your views. More than 60% of the women in my study described their family environment when they were a child as one of intense conflict, including verbal abuse and unnecessary and cruel criticism. Here are the top things to know about verbal abuse.
What is verbal abuse?
When you were a child, you might have heard this saying: “Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.” Your parents or grandparents could have told you to say these words whenever someone called you names. Today, schoolyard bullying has escalated far beyond words. Kids kick, punch and do serious bodily harm to others in school. Overnight, it seems, being taunted with words barely moves the needle on the “Mean Meter.”
Yet words that swear at you, call you derogatory names and racial, ethnic and religious slurs, criticize you and diminish you still hurt. But the degree of emotional hurt depends greatly on the emotional importance and power over you of the person who is using those words. Your best friend, boss, dissertation advisor, editor, supervisor or coach, for example, can topple your sense of self-worth and your belief in you.
Early in your life the people who have the most emotional importance and power are your caregivers—usually your parents or grandparents. You’re young, dependent on them to provide food and shelter. They’re bigger than you, they make all the decisions, right or wrong, good or bad, and you have no or little say. They rule, they seem to know more–and to buck them or deny the correctness of their words barely seems possible. Or wise.
After all, children sense unconsciously that in order to be loved and taken care of they had better listen and take in the nature of their parents’ words because these words communicate parental needs and problems. Soon, a child believes not only that he or she is stupid, slow, ugly, lazy, not like everyone else in the family and a disappointment, but also that he or she must work extra hard to fix these defects in order to be loved—and not abandoned or “given up on.” Fears of abandonment form the base of all human anxiety.
Even more confusing to these children who later grow up to be confused adults is that often these verbal messages carry conflicting messages. For instance, Barbie was a former dancer. Staying in shape was vital to her self-definition. Barbie had a daughter Annie who was born with a larger body size. Barbie criticized her daughter’s bulk, hovered over her meals and told her daughter not to shame her by being ugly and fat.
Annie heard these words as criticism of her whole being. Annie knew she could never be petite like her mother. Annie even died her dark hair red like her mother’s to show her allegiance to her mother. Annie thought that if she couldn’t be slim, she could at least be a redhead. Annie wanted desperately to have her mother’s love.
It was only when Annie was in her thirties that she understood that her mother needed to be the only beauty in the house. Her mother’s words represented a double-bind where regardless whether Annie was fat or thin, she could not win. Barbie would have felt competitive with her daughter if Annie were more fit and thin than she. The damage was done, and Annie struggled with being obese all her life. Paradoxically, arguing about food and exercise were the only bonds between Annie and her mother. “All my life,” Annie said, “I believed I was a bad and flawed person because there was no way to make my mom happy In my head, whenever I went to parties or met new people, I heard her words: ‘Men don’t want fat wives. And popular girls don’t like fat ones’ I also knew that my mother wouldn’t love me if I were prettier than she.”
- Now do you see the power of words to influence your definition of you?
- One way to understand the impact of verbally abusive words is to look at this equation:
- Emotional Importance + Power + Formative Years + Fear of Abandonment =
- Believing Verbally Abusive Words are True about You
Why do we minimize the impact of verbal abuse?
Unlike physical abuse, verbal abuse does not leave visible scars. There is no broken bone, burn or bloody nose to show the emergency room physician. Similarly, sexual abuse victims and other family members can minimize or deny the acts of the sexually abusing perpetrator. However, most sexual abuse survivors eventually understand that their body has been violated and that a physical and emotional boundary has been crossed.
But where is the boundary for verbally abusive words? And it doesn’t help that most children have witnessed less than outstanding behavior from the behavior of their friend’s parents. Saying mean things seems almost normal.
Why do some children manage to block or weaken the impact of verbally abusive caregivers?
Studies of resilient children show that several factors contribute to a child’s ability to dampen the power of parent’s cruel words. Here is a list of the top factors. The child is able to:
- Develop positive self-talk and positive self-views that weaken the parent’s words
- Find powerful mentors such as nannies, pastors, teachers or other relatives who care, love and respect her and who say supportive words
- Listen to internal doubts that challenge the truth of the parent’s words
- Experience positive situations in school or with friends that weaken the parent’s words.
How does a childhood of verbal abuse affect adult romantic relationships?
If you haven’t been able to challenge and replace your parent’s negative definition of you, then you risk choosing partners who continue to use verbal abuse to define, limit and disrespect you. The abuse seems normal to you. You say to yourself, “I can handle this. It feels familiar.” Besides, you think, maybe if I can please my partner, I will become the kind of person my caregivers would want. And, finally, you believe and accept, deep down inside, as at least partially true the character portrait that your parents’ or caregivers’ words have painted of you.
In the second article in this series, I’ll talk about how you can deal with a verbally abusive partner.
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
