Part 3 of a Series: What to Do on First, Second and Third Dates
Okay—you’ve made it to the third date. Yes—that third date which somehow in the United States and possibly other countries—signals that you should or could have sex. I have no idea where or how that idea got started, but please don’t heed that advice.
Think about it. If you haven’t done so already, do you really want to take off all of your physical and emotional clothes, and allow your heart, mind, soul, values and hope to be invaded by an unknown person–a person with whom you’ve spent scant hours? Haven’t you watched enough stories on Dateline or 48 Hours to know how easily people hide their worst and often dangerous behavior?
Oh, and I hope you didn’t fall for other messages that are floating around out there about having sex too soon: “If you feel it, do it.” Or, “If I feel it, it must be right.” Really–you’re going to act on an impulse that grew from, probably, mostly words rather than behavior over a course of time? And by time, I mean time spent hanging out together—not sitting in silence in a movie theater or dining at a very romantic restaurant that wows you and makes you feel special and wanted and hopeful and giddy and saved and redeemed and—most importantly—less lonely. If you are a woman, don’t let these thoughts steer you to the bedroom so soon. You don’t want to end up like Cookie in the cartoon below.
If you are smart, you know how to tamp down those impulses to connect by sealing the deal with sex. It might surprise you, but both men and women want to fall in love. The problem with sex too soon is not necessarily a matter of ethics or values. The problem lies in your ability or inability to curtail your anxiety about not being loved and accepted. When you lead with these negative feelings that are associated with a negative self-view, you automatically put yourself on a love course that could skid out of control.
What if the feelings flame and burn out? What if you end up hurt, dumped and disillusioned—and then wall up your heart so much that you don’t put yourself out there again for love until loneliness and fear intensify to the point that you are at risk for making yet another wrong love choice?
But don’t worry if you’ve already had sex and now have doubts or regrets. You can always dial back the relationship and tell him or her that you want to slow things down.
So, just what should you do on your third date? A quick list includes:
Continue to hang out with each of your friends.
Continue to attend an event together that shows you how the person takes turns, listens, meets and converses with others, shares, enjoys, and stays positive, curious and in learning mode. Watch for impatience, frustration and the person’s need to wander off too long or cling too hard. Events might include local art or music festivals or charity events.
Don’t put yourself in a compromising position by going back to his or her place. If you want to extend your time together but the event is over or the restaurant is closing, then go to a hotel—the lobby or lobby bar that is—where you can sit and talk for hours.
Continue to observe your date’s behavior. Be on the lookout for seriously wandering eyes, rude or seductive treatment of the wait staff. Does the person talk and talk about himself or herself? Does the person want to learn about you? Is the person judgmental and negative about you? Are the person’s fingernails chewed to the quick due to anxiety? Does the person touch his or her face while speaking—an indicator of dishonesty. Read ahead of time books about how to read people.
Get mindful of your emotional and physical reactions. Are you feeling excited? Worried? Bored? Doubtful? Take a mindfulness check: Go to the rest room and take an inventory of your emotional and physical reactions. Does your head hurt or your tummy churn? Are you nervous? Is your heart beating rapidly?
Know your Emotional Default Drives. When have you felt this way before? What was the result? What are your typical love traps of attraction? Do you, for example, tend to choose people who later turn out to be mean, insensitive or impossible—even though you didn’t see this behavior? When you know your automatic attraction valence, then you can get more diligent about looking for these signs and hints in your date.
Reveal something about you that you are not sure someone would accept. Now is the time to drop some more of your guardedness. You might talk a bit about your divorce—not the whole story necessarily but enough to test the waters of your date’s reactions. Show your quirks such as being a klutz or devouring your monthly treat of sweets or your tendency of getting lost in a phone booth.
Ask more in depth questions or requests such as: Tell me about your temperament. Do you go nuts when you get lost or when someone cuts you off? Tell me about a time you were or weren’t there for your partner in a crisis. How are you at negotiating for a car or home? These questions will tell you about their management of their emotional reactions, their ability to be there during tough times, and their assertiveness.
Take your time, observe you and your date and, most of all, be a smart you!
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
