I’ve been asked many times questions such as: What are the top things women should do if they are looking for true love? What should women know about finding a caring and respected mate?
In my research of more than a thousand women, I learned many surprising things about how to get smart about choosing a man wisely. If I absolutely had to pick just one thing, it would be this factor: Know You!
It sounds so easy—but it’s not. Knowing, accepting, challenging, and growing you requires on-going emotional bravery, mindfulness, and an ability to recover and learn from making wrong decisions—which even the smartest people do!
In my workshops, I expanded this not-so-easy advice of Know You, and I put it in a simpler reminder that you can use. Of course, the topic of finding healthy love fills books, so I don’t want you to think that the handy memory tip I’m giving you will guarantee love success. But what I offer below is a good start. I hope it’s useful.
TO READ ME
Each letter in this phrase represents a tip:
T Time – Take your time. Hold off on sex too soon or rushing the relationship. Take time to know each other through good times and bad.
O Observe – Keep your observer button on. Watch how you and he act and interact. Do you like how he treats others–and you? Do you like the You-Who-Is-You in the relationship? Do you like you in love? It’s wiser to focus on your thoughts, feelings, and actions rather than on the “type” of man. Be proud of you–and him.
R Real – Keep things real. Be you on your dates and time together, especially in the beginning. Don’t put only your best foot forward. Let him see little quirks, shortcomings and feelings in you so you can test his reactions for impatience, criticism, Insensitivity, care, acceptance, and other qualities.
E Educate – Educate you about you, your childhood, and relationships. Be open to seeking therapy, especially if your efforts to find smart love have not worked. Learn about your parents’ effects on your relating patterns. Read books about relationships, and keep a journal about your reactions, feelings and thoughts so you can educate you about you.
A Anxiety – Make friends with your anxiety. Remember, important decisions and changes in life are accompanied by anxiety. Think about how you overcame fears in the past, and use those same skills.
D Date – Don’t drop out of the dating scene. If your heart has been broken, recover smartly by getting professional help–but get back out there and date again with your new-found wisdom. Date widely. Don’t restrict yourself to dating men from the same professions, income, interests or personality. Dating different men teaches you about you.
M Mindful – Become mindful of your physical and emotional reactions to your dates and partners. If your stomach is churning, your heart racing, your legs shaking, and your head aching, then it’s a pretty good guess that you are reacting negatively to what is happening between you and your man. It seems obvious, but too many women in my study ignored or didn’t sense the warning signs. Ask yourself: What am I feeling and thinking at this moment?
E Editor – Edit out many of the messages from friends and family members who do not have your happiness at heart. Be wary of jealous friends who steer you away from a man who might be a good match for you. Edit out those unhealthy messages and lessons from your family. Their criticism and feedback might be telling you more about THEM– and not necessarily you.
I’d love to hear your input. Please share your questions and experience in the comments below.
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