So you and your colleague and teammate won the Big Deal Award. You deserved it. You spent many nights together at work, ate food that came wrapped in paper, let your make up smudge, and your hair go flat. You felt comfortable enough to yawn, really sneeze, take off your shoes, and eat food with garlic. You let your personal problems seep through your moods and conversation, and you sparked him to do the same.
You made a great team—the way your mutual anxiety about landing the contract powered your brainstorming. You both became smarter than you were before you became a team. You never realized what a great guy he is. How could you have misread him? You respect him, and so, that night near the copier when you knew, just knew, that the two of you couldn’t possibly lose the contract, you found yourself turning toward him, taking a step closer, perhaps matching his move towards you, you’ll never know, but that brush of his sleeve against yours, it wasn’t an accident, it wasn’t planned either, it just was the right thing to happen between you and him, and you kissed. Then, after you won, there was more.
Now, less than a year later, you know it was a big mistake. What went wrong? Here are the top tips that I discovered from the women in my study.
- Be mindful of your intensity level. Working with someone on an intense project can create false intimacy. Similarly, the trauma from events such as robberies or tornados can bond the survivors. They feel they now share a unique experience that only fellow survivors can understand. That idea does hold much truth, but, remember, survivors were once just people—some of whom, under ordinary circumstances, you would choose as friends and some you wouldn’t! The brain neurologically reacts to stress and trauma through activation of its instinctive neuro-wiring for fight or flight. Highly demanding and challenging work.
- Remind yourself that a person’s professional personality may be different from his or her private personality. The media is filled with stories about respected leaders who abuse children or run off with other people’s money. Good character is consistency of ethics and purpose throughout all roles. Work affairs often begin with situations where you are surprised to find yourself suddenly attracted to someone you previously disliked or ignored. Be wary of this turn in perception. You might not have read the person correctly in the first place—but you could also be minimizing or dismissing your previous observations. Take your time to test your new assessment and reactions.
- Make sure your company does not ban intimate relationships between co-workers in the same department. Secrecy will only fuel your attachment. Don’t risk your job or career. Know your corporate culture and rules.
- Learn more about your new love. Revisit your ideas about this person before you became romantically involved. Were you really wrong about him or her? What have colleagues said about this person? Were they right? What do you know about this person’s private life? Does he or she have children? Is the person married? Are you dismissing your previous evaluation because this person has status, power, and money? Don’t let hopes of moving up dim your awareness.
- Recall your emotional situation before you began this affair. Were you lonelier than usual? Did you just break up with your past partner? Do you think you’ve caught the brass ring or the ticket out of your unwanted situation? Be mindful of your emotional background noise. If it was too loud, it could have clouded your judgment.
What has been your experience with work related relationships and affairs. Please share you comment below.
Cookie has some valuable lessons for all of us here.
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