When I was doing research for my study about the love and work life of today’s successful women, I wasn’t surprised that the issue of when to have sex with a new partner was one of their top questions. What did surprise me was how many women regretted having sex too soon—or at all with some of their dates.
I was curious and concerned why this resolve failed. I discovered a few key reasons and solutions. Of course, this list can’t cover all the reasons, but here are the top ones and serve as elite dating advice for women.
1. You are lonely and anxious. Many of the very busy and successful women described themselves as “date-starved.” They worked long hours and came home tired. At first, they enjoyed the solitude. But then something in their lives—aging, illness, family or financial problems, for example—made them want to reach out more and connect with a man. “Finding a decent man to date is not easy,” they said. So, the combination of their emotional state plus the rarity of dating a man who seemed to fulfill the women’s requirements compelled them to say yes to sex.
The solutions include:
- Being mindful of your state of mind and heart when you are on your date
- Taking a brief break from the date such as going to the ladies room or calling a friend to review your situation and bolstering your resolve
- Writing a note to you to “slowdown”
- Avoiding going back to his or your place
2. The evening is so thrilling. Even after some of the women used these tips, they still found the entire issue of resolve dissolved. This collapse in self-control and self-awareness often happens when your activities arouse your brain and make you feel closer to the man. Excitement and anxiety share common physiological reactions such as rapid heart rate and increased anticipation. Exhilarating events such as dining in exclusive restaurants, meeting famous people, attending loud concerts or going on dangerous rides can make bond with the man in an effort to calm your excitability. Soon, you feel you’ve survived or shared an important experience together. Crash victims, for example, often become friends.
- The best solutions are:
- Taking a rain check on these kind of activities early in the dating
- Using the tips above to calm you down again
3. You are willing to “toss caution to the wind” because you are wowed by your good luck of finding such a great guy. Turning off self-care behavior often happened when the women in the study endured dating dry spells or bad break ups or divorces. The status and power and wealth of a “good catch” made the women fall back on the oldest trick in the book of winning the man with sex. High desperation and low sense of self-worth were the most common reasons why women gave up their resolve. Look at the Cookie cartoon below to see how easy it is to play with fire.
Solutions include the above plus:
- Writing down your good quality, keeping the list in your purse, and reading them to remind yourself that you are worth waiting for
- Doing calming activities after the date so your arousal levels can subside
- Thinking about how little you really know about this man.
- Take your time. Remember, you’re worth it!
What has been your experience? What have you learned?
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