One of the more dangerous states of mind for women is being unhappy with life, love, and work. Chronic dissatisfaction can lead to depression, diminished sense of self-worth, emotional cowardice, obesity, substance abuse, and suicide attempts.
In my study of more than one thousand women and their dating and mating experiences, I learned that the women with high-profile, high income careers often had a very difficult time recovering from emotional hurts in love. If you’ve succeeded in your career but not in love, here’s a list of top dating mistakes and solutions.
1. Don’t have a long and exacting list of what you are looking for in a man.
Your list should include items about his character and values, but be wary of adding specifics about requirements such as his job title, high or higher income level or whether he has children.
The women in the study who had impossible-to-fulfill requirements believed that perfectionism would insulate them from making love mistakes. In fact, the unconscious goal of creating of an impossible list was not to find a man. This mindset was their way of fooling themselves into believing “I tried to find a man, but there just aren’t any good ones out there any longer.”
Better solutions are to make a list that reflects a man’s relationship maturity. For example, you might put on your list character qualities such as ability to forgive, apologize, problem-solve, cope with life’s ups and downs, and be understanding and supportive.
And don’t be seduced by money and status. Just because you are a high-powered woman, don’t think that you can only rely on a man who has achieved the exact same career levels. You will be missing out on many potentially good matches. The women in the study whose partners and spouses did not have such panache provided many crucial relationship qualities.
2. Don’t let your unhappiness propel you to date.
If you are currently going through hard and unhappy times, focus first on gaining knowledge and control over your circumstances. Taking charge builds self-worth. We tend to feel better when we experience ourselves as a viable, strong, and resourceful person. Seek out caring friends and family. Social support reduces your temptation to grab a man to alleviate your depression, sadness, or fears of being alone. Seek professional help immediately if your coping skills are not working. The women in the study who did not establish a support network were more likely to fall head over heels for the next wrong man. Too many of the women were looking for a “ticket out of the at race.” Later, they discovered they had fallen for a rat.
3. Date from self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and wisdom. Know your needs.
Needs are neutral. Learn about you and how you got that way—and accept it. For example, if you need someone who is a risk-taker, then look for that quality in a man. Or, if you discovered that you need a man who likes being more of a homebody, then look for that quality.
4. Give up being concerned about what others think about your man.
Yes, listen to feedback from trusted friends and family. But the key word is trusted. Even your supposedly good friends might have hidden agendas. They might, for example, deter you from staying with your man out of jealousy—or out of their inability to make a good match. When in doubt about your choice of mate, seek professional counseling. Don’t cheat yourself out of happiness or self-knowledge.
5. Start slowly and down to earth.
It’s too easy to fling open your heart and cast caution to the wind. As one of the women in the study said, “Men with yachts and planes—oh how I let that excitement sweep me away.” Bring your dates down to everyday life. See how he is to be with as you are you. Most of life is filled with errands, deadlines, work stress, doctor’s appointments, parenting and other family demands. The sexiest and most endearing behaviors occur when you and your man can turn the ordinary into something special. As another woman in the study said, “Take out and a movie at home always drew us closer. It was like we created our own private island of happiness.”
Thank you for your interest. Getting brave and strong is key. Good luck in your journey!
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