Not too long ago Al and Tipper Gore announced their divorce. More recently, two Hollywood couples, Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman, and Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver, also announced they were divorcing. Even though we don’t know all the true details about these couples, most of us were, understandably, surprised. Our assumptions about long-term love, marriage, and trust are shaken.
You’d like to think that long-term marriages are a sign of happiness. You say to yourself, “If these people of privilege can’t make a go of it, what about my marriage? How would I handle a divorce at my age?”
In providing dating advice for older women after a divorce the question becomes is there reason to worry? Maybe not for you, but late in life divorce is on the rise. Marital statistics from the United States Census Bureau’s 2009 American Community Survey Report indicate that the divorce rate for people over fifty years old has doubled since 1990—even though the poor economy has contributed to an overall decline in the rate of divorce.
In my study about women and love, I uncovered the top reasons for divorce, and tips to manage, triumph, date, and even find love again after a late in life split.
Top Reasons for Divorce Late in Life
1. No more tolerance of the intolerable. If you have been putting up with a cheating or abusive and disrespectful spouse, something pushes your limits, and you want out. Even though infidelity in women is increasing, women still file for divorce more often—and, according to the AARP’s 2004 national survey, twenty-seven percent of the women said one of the top reasons was a cheating husband. Or maybe you no longer want to tolerate a spouse who absconded with the family income, or physically, emotionally, and sexually abused you or children.
2. Nothing in common. Getting married at a young age, having children early, and spending most of your married life juggling work and childcare can contribute to later in life unhappiness. Or, maybe you got married on the rebound, out of loneliness, the ticking of your biological clock, or in reaction to a loss of a parent. Whatever the reason, one day, perhaps after the last child is somewhat older, you wake up and realize that, other than the children, you and your partner don’t have that much in common.
3. Mortality, quality of life, and “me-ness.” We are living longer due to advances in medical science. Sounds good—but an extended life could mean more years of unhappiness in an unfulfilling marriage. You or spouse might be thinking: “I want to spend my remaining years with someone else.”
But the chance of living longer isn’t the only factor in late in life divorce. Western culture—especially in the United States, has emphasized the value of the individual—that is, you. Your expectation of being happy might lead you to take a chance on finding a new love by getting a divorce. It’s almost hard to believe that just one generation ago, many parents believed that “you make your bed, you lie in it.” Today, the idea that a relationship is comprised of “You, Me, and Us” seems self-evident, but society didn’t always view marriage that way.
The rise of women in the workforce also makes divorce easier. You might feel you’ve reached the water-line of being unhappy and putting yourself on the back burner, and are now capable of taking care of yourself financially and emotionally. Or, conversely, your husband, who wants out, views your independence as a reduced financial burden for him.
Creation of a New Life
Even if you are the one who initiated the divorce, you still have to forge a life of your own. Here are some of the top tips from the women in my study.
1. Know you, and take care of you. Be emotionally brave enough to tolerate deep, serious, honest, extended emotional self-examination. You should be able to answer questions such as: Why did I get married to this person when I did? Why did we choose each other? What went wrong? How did my parents contribute to my issues? How can I increase my mindfulness so I can make a wise love choice? Most of the women sought counseling, and those who benefited the most stayed in counseling or used it from time to time to “check” on their emotional growth.
Make sure you take care of you. Exercise, eat right, get your weight in accord with your build and height. Do a makeover if you need one. But remember—average-looking people fall in love all the time. If you doubt me, just hang out at the mall and look at the assortment of couples!
2. Build your social connections. According to the AARP study, loneliness was one of the major fall-outs of being divorced later in life—even if you wanted the divorce. But don’t beat yourself up if you find yourself less happy than you thought. I always tell my clients that all major decisions in life are made with incomplete information. But if you have developed good life skills and inner strength, you are more able to withstand these feelings and forge a new life.
Fortify and widen your social universe. Numerous studies show that isolation compromises your health. Get involved in charity, take up a hobby. The richer you make your world the less likely you will grab the next man out of loneliness.
And if you want an intimate relationship, don’t fall into the trap of believing “if it’s meant to be, it will just happen.” This belief is just a smokescreen for avoiding getting hurt. Push yourself to speak to men in line at the grocery store, the dry cleaner, pharmacy, or at the movies. One woman said, “I made it a point to make a pact with myself to say hello to at least five new men a week.” It’s a numbers game. Don’t fall for that belief that you are weak if you want an intimate partner. We humans are social creatures who benefit from healthy love.
3. Manage your economic situation. Divorce often creates a decrease in women’s economic status. Now may not be the time to buy or rent the home of your dreams. Women in my study attended lectures about money, investing, and budgeting. The last thing you want is to compromise your independence. Increasing your life skills is a great way to minimize any tendency to look for the next wrong man to rescue you financially.
4. Make your dates resemble real life. Save romantic dates for after romantic sparks have happened. Hang out in groups, go out for brunch, or do errands together. Observe how he handles crowds, standing in line, and treating the wait staff. Most of life is spent doing mundane things. And don’t have sex without mutual love.
I wish you bravery!
