One of the most important issues for women on dates is how to build trust in their judgment of men. It’s not easy. We’re taught not to judge. Think of that maxim: People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or recall these words from the Bible in Matthew 7:1: Judge not, that ye be not judged. This saying is so powerful that Abraham Lincoln used it in his Second Inaugural Address. Wow—that’s a whole lot of cultural pressure to hold back your assessment of men. But when you dial down those warning signals in your head that say “danger, danger,” you put yourself at risk for over-accepting or minimizing worrisome behaviors in your man.
We all make mistakes in love, in part, because people are often very good at lying and hiding things. One way that you can decrease unwanted surprises and emotional pain and disappointment is to change the goal of dating from finding Mr. Right to reading men accurately. And the women in my study found that one of the more reliable ways to assess men is to ask smart questions to get smart information. Don’t concentrate on getting just facts–get information from your dates or partner by asking questions that give you a living picture of your man in real life.
Your ability to get these answers depends, in part, on your conversational skills. But if you are equipped with good questions, you can weave them into your conversation. You may not be able to ask every question that you want on your first few dates, but eventually you will assess your man better. You’ll need to experiment. It’s okay to feel awkward.
Here are questions and topics to get you started on getting a living view of your man. Explain that you are on an uncritical learning mission and that you would not ask a question that you wouldn’t answer about yourself. Ask your date to “run the movie” of his typical week or month in life. You offer the same. And don’t “dress it up.” If you continue to date, the truth will come out anyway! Continue to roll that film in your head as he describes other stories or circumstances about himself.
Running that Movie
Ask your man to tell you a story about the following topics:
- What did your previous partners or your ex-wife dislike the most about you?
- What do you dislike the most about these partners or your ex?
- What are the top things you learned about you in relationships?
- How do you spend a typical week?
- What can’t you live without? (For example: sports, being left alone, shopping, decorating, movies, calling your mom, being with you friends, drinking & using other substances, dining and wining, traveling, doing things on a whim, etc.)
- What would be your ideal vacations?
- What are some key incidents that depict your family and how they affect you?
- How are you different from your family?
- What are your inner strengths in what you’ve overcome?
- How would you describe your temperament on a frustration continuum? What makes you go nuts or “lose it?”
- What are one or two annoying—but not serious—behaviors that you do?
- How would you like me to act when you are stressed?
- What would you like to change about you or the way you handle problems?
- What adjectives best describe you?
- What would others be surprised to know about you?
- How would describe your attitude toward any and all of the following topics:
- Religion, Money, Children, Neatness, Fitness, Food, Alcohol
- What are your life goals and plans?
- What dissatisfies you the most about your life now?
- How would you honestly describe the state of your bedroom, television room and kitchen? Just how disgusting or too neat are they?
- How would you describe a time when you were or weren’t there for your partner in a crisis?
- How are you at negotiating for a car or home?
- (These questions will tell you about the person’s management of his anxiety, ability to be there during tough times, and assertiveness.)
- What are examples of relationship deal-breakers from your past relationships?
- (Be careful about your own deal-breakers. Many people misidentify them. Make sure you know the difference between real deal-breakers and mere likes or dislikes that may not be a significant factor in establishing a healthy love life in new or existing relationships.)
- What would you like to do on our next date—and sex is not an allowable choice!
Remember–the goal is to get smarter—not pickier. You need to be more flexible and to discriminate between important and unimportant issues. Most importantly, you will need to build the emotional bravery to face you!
I hope these questions help you.
Thank you for stopping by. Please write you own story or Like this blog. To learn more about me and my research-based, self-help books for women, “Smart Relationships: How Successful Women Can Find True Love” and “The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie,” please go to my website, www.lovevictory.com. Please follow me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish and on Facebook at lovevictory. Thank you.
