When I was in post-degree training in family and marital therapy, the professor reminded us that everything we say, think and do as a therapist or researcher will hold true about 85-90 per cent of the time. Expect to be surprised and to revise your understanding of your clients—and you.
The same can be said for life’s tendency to deal us wild cards that challenge our trust in the world and our self-view. Being a stranger to yourself can be very unsettling. The fall-out from unwanted experiences lies in its power to taint your coping strategies.
Of course, you can’t choose when bad things are going to happen to you. And, often, these events happen at exactly the worst time. Major life crises such as divorce, break ups or loss of a job, financial security or loved one, or illness in you or them increase your vulnerability to making wrong love choices. You feel alone, out of control, frightened, and misunderstood–in spite of the best efforts of friends and family to comfort and help you.
For example, one of my clients, who was recovering from the shock of her partner leaving her for another woman, said she was sick of people’s advice to “snap out of it.” And then when she got involved with a new man, their advice changed to “take some time off from men.”
What are the best ways to do more than get through these troubling events and tragedies? In less than a month ago, the world has had to face the carnage of the Boston Marathon and the clothing factory collapse in Bangladesh. And the news is always filled with stories about the affairs of the rich and famous. Your crisis may not make world history, but, to you, it still counts as a jumbo-size challenge and loss. Here are some tips from the women in my study whose coping skills made them survivors.
Coping Tips
1. Don’t compare your loss to others. Emotional pain is emotional pain. Like a spilled glass of water, it flows without shape everywhere. If you minimize the importance of the unwanted event, you will deny awareness and delay your personal growth and strength. Give yourself permission to be hurt, including your emotional pain from love gone wrong. Losing or breaking up with an intimate partner is a major event.
2. On the other hand, don’t create and hold onto a new identity as a victim of a horrible event. Seeing yourself as a life-long victim will also delay your personal growth and strength, as well as impair your ability to see any possible contribution that you made to the event. For example, when couples split up, it’s crucial to examine your own behavior. If you don’t take a look at you, you risk making a similar love mistake.
Don’t fool yourself that staying angry or remaining in “poor me” mode are coping tools. Yes, you might be very justified in being angry, but don’t use that anger to prevent you from taking action, examining yourself psychologically, and forging a new, smarter, wiser, and stronger you. Ask yourself:
Could I have predicted this problem?
Did I ignore the signs?
Was I going through a turbulent life event that could have made me choose this person when I did?
3. Yet, still, it might very well be a good idea to go ahead and rage at the world or someone. Am I confusing you? One of the barely talked about tasks of adulthood is the ability to hold conflicting feelings and views of an event, idea or person at the same time. So, you can be furious, hurt, in shock, forgiving, clueless, clear, and helpless all at once.
Accept that life is unfair, and remember that humans—even strong and smart ones—are vulnerable to catastrophes. Wisdom teaches that you can’t control everything. For example, it is possible that you were totally clueless that your partner was cheating on you.
4. Know the signs that you are not coping well.
- Depression and anxiety are two of the most common reactions to bad events. Are you sleeping too much or too little? Eating too much or too little? If these circumstances last for more than two weeks, seek medical help.
- Big and unwise risks in your behavior are signals that your coping strategies are not smart ones. Some of the women in study, for example, started to take drugs, hang out with the wrong crowd or man, spend too much, or abandon their family.
- Losing interest in things that normally interest you is a sign that your depression is intensifying. Again, seek medical help.
- Isolating yourself from all friends and family is also a symptom of dangerous reactions. Being alone increases depression and suicidal thoughts. Call a suicide hotline or a loved one or go to the emergency room immediately if you begin to have suicidal thoughts or actions.
5. Know which life events can lead to intense feelings of loss, anger, confusion, depression and anxiety. Some people can handle some events but not others. Other people are unusually good at managing life’s curve balls well, while others have greater difficulties in general.
Instead of judging yourself and seeing you as “weak,” it’s best to recognize and accept first that life includes circumstances that make you vulnerable. A short list of these life stresses includes: death of a loved one, illness in you, moving, break ups, injury in you or loved ones, loss of a job, financial security or home; love gone very wrong, damage from weather events such as hurricanes and tornadoes, damage from man-made events such as terror attacks, collapsed buildings, chemical toxicity, and war.
6. Seek professional help and/or social support help—even if you don’t think you need it. At least, schedule an emotional checkup appointment to review your coping strategies. Listen to your friends’ advice and evaluate the soundness of it. If you are confused, seek medical, professional and/or religious guidance.
7. Give back. Eventually, forge a new you who can teach, inspire and help others. Some of the women in my study wrote books, volunteered or started new charities. You don’t have to make a huge impact to make a difference. Remember, when you help one person, you help many, many others.
8. Accept an altered you. Tragedies, illnesses and losses, for instance, can change you for the better. You might become more serious. You might drop negative people from your life whom you were willing to tolerate. It’s not unusual to change jobs or careers or to become more religious or spiritual. Embrace the change and grow it.
Send me your stories about your triumph over life’s unwanted events.
Thank you for reading. I wish you the best. Join me on Twitter @LeslieBethWish
