See if this story sounds familiar. You’ve been burned in love before—especially with men who have lacked care, concern, and kindness. You vowed not to put up with a man who is deficient in sensitivity. And now you think you’ve found a real gem—a man who listens, values, and understands you. In fact, one of the first few things you noticed about your new man is that you could tell him anything, and he was easy to talk to.
Sounds good—and it should! These qualities are very desirable. If you’ve found love with a partner who offers these attributes, congratulations!
But be careful. At least a third of the women in my study about the intimate relationships of today’s women discovered that these sweet, gentle, and kind men were warm and wonderful when the going was great but not so good when the going got tough. The women’s feelings can be summed up in the words of one of my research participants: “He was the perfect man when we were humming along. But when the hill got steep or bumpy with decisions or serious problems like health or money or raising kids, he collapsed. I felt more than frustrated—I felt disappointed in him and in me for not seeing his shortcomings sooner.”
Does this story seem like your experience? If so, you are not alone. Here are some reasons from my research findings about why you might be in this dilemma.
- You are in rebound mode from a relationship with a man who was unkind—or even abusive.
- You over-corrected this previous relationship by getting into a love pattern where the man‘s kindness limits his ability to make decisions, develop a career identity, be productive and reliable, and step up to the plate during a crisis.
- You don’t want to be lonely or hurt any longer, and you’d rather be with a kind but ineffective man rather than a mean one.
- You are afraid to appear too judgmental. After all, your past is not all roses. And you think to yourself: “He’s so sweet, and he really tries. All he needs is a break. Besides, who am I to judge?”
Look at the cartoon below, which comes from my cartoon book, The Love Adventures of Almost Smart Cookie.”
What’s Cookie doing wrong? She has sustained the relationship by doing her job and his as well. She has loved too much—and too unwisely. Cookie has not learned yet the difference between being loving, supportive, and caring vs. carrying a man by not expecting anything from him.
Here are some tips about how to avoid getting into this love pattern.
- Don’t make excuses for why your man can’t run his own life. Yes, no one is perfect, and we can’t all be good at everything. But ask yourself: If I were not here, could he take care of himself and manage the usual responsibilities of adulthood such as forming a career identity, supporting himself financially, and handling life’s ups and downs?
- Communicate immediately your need to have a team player. Let your partner know what you want him to do
- Get solution-focused. Don’t review the past mistakes and hurts. Move directly toward working as a team for a solution.
- Don’t protect your man from his anxieties about life, decisiveness, and responsibility. Don’t turn into a martyr. The more you take over, the less room you give him to be effective. Be an aid and emotional support—but not his mommy or rescuer.
- Don’t bury your loneliness and disappointment in him in order to avoid rocking the boat. You might be paying a big emotional price just to keep a warm body in your life.
- Seek counseling if you cannot make important changes.
Get smart and brave!
Get more from Cookie Here.
