Dear Dr. Wish,
I’ve been dating this amazing man for almost six years. I am divorced with wonderful, talented and smart twin girls, age seventeen, who are in their last year of high school. I met “Tom” about three months after both my parents died in a car accident. I am an only child, and I felt so alone. Tom was like a life raft.
The problem is that the course of our love is not smooth at all. He has to be right, has to be king of the hill, and his needs come first. We don’t live together, but he comes over for dinner every night at six, and if I don’t have dinner ready, he throws a really bad fit and throws things. And also out of nowhere he can launch into criticism of my girls, my looks and just about everything else. And then he apologizes, helps out with the house and the girls, and he buys us amazing things. And it doesn’t hurt that he is really handsome, successful, very charming and sexy in bed. But I am not happy. I am tired of the ups and downs. My friends say I deserve better, but I can’t seem to leave, and I don’t know why. He’s never laid a hand on me.
Signed,
Stuck
Dear Stuck,
I am sorry you are unhappy, and I can see why you are stuck:
1. You met Tom when you were emotionally vulnerable after your parents’ death. Major life stresses, such as loss of a loved one, can cause us to rush into the arms of the next attractive-enough partner.
2. You are an only child. You don’t mention any other supportive family members, so I’m guessing that your loneliness quotient is high. Only children can often feel “out to sea” when a parent dies. So, it is no surprise that, as you say, Tom felt like a “life raft.”
3. Your daughters are probably about to leave home and go off to school. Soon, your loneliness will intensify.
4. Like many women in your situation, you are allowing the fact that Tom has not been physically abusive to rob you of a good enough reason to break up.
5. You know the rules with Tom. You might be thinking: What if a new person is worse—and you end up feeling unhappier.
All these factors add up to one big rut. I strongly recommend that you seek counseling. Tom knows exactly how to rope you back in. Charmers have radars for vulnerable people. His apologies and gifts are actually deflated life rafts. Seek counseling to boost your sense of self-worth and inner strength—and learn the manipulative methods of narcissistic men like Tom.
You can find the happiness you deserve!
