Don't Play the Blame Game with Your Parents--

          It just might make you lose out on love

We are all what I call "Time Travelers" when it comes to love.  We walk through our life with a packbag of memories and reminders of the past emotional hurts from our parents and caregivers--who sometimes seem more like careTAKERS than GIVERS.

     But when you keep your eyes on these past hurts, you end up cheating yourself out of chances to love.  You also end up using your past to shield you from any MORE hurts.  Your emotional logic goes something like this:  "I've been hurt by people who should have loved me.  People, love an life are scary.  I am not strong enough to handle hurts.  I'm not ever gonna get hurt again.  It's easier to stay in anger and blame mode--rather than triumph over these hurts."

     But, oops, loneliness sets in and soon something happens to break through your defenses.  You meet someone, drop your guard--and get hurt again because you haven't successfully understood your past.  So, you arm up--until the next bout of loneliness.

     Instead of using anger and fear to protect you, use self-knowledge and bravery to face your past hurts from your family.  Here is a quick guide how to deal with the emotional pain from your family.

1.  Whatever mean things your parents said or did to you are not about you.  Your family took out their own problems on you--their convenient punishing and punching bag.

2.  You don't have to be or believe these things.

3.  Think about what your parents taught you about men, women, life, love and trust.  Make a list of these things. Do you want these beliefs to be part of your life?

4.  Make a list of your good characteristics and accomplishments.  No accomplishment is too small.

5.  Keep this list handy and go over it several times a week.

6. Start small.  Make reasonable and do-able goals.

7.  Be aware of when your parents's words and beliefs are influencing you. At least twice a week, "check" yourself to see if you are operating out of these beliefs.  What can you do to get braver, take a small chance, act in spite of these beliefs and get emotionally stronger? 

8.  Date someone DIFFERENT from your usual type.  Of cource, don't date someone who is unkind, but try to learn more about someone you normally wouldn't have chosen.

9.  Let your anxious feelings flow.  Don't block them.  Ask yourself:  What am I afraid of?  Is it my fear--or the fears of my parents?  Say to yourself, my feelings can't hurt me.  They are warning systems.  Ask yourself, is there a REAL threat or an internal one?

10.  Say to yourself:  I deserve to be loved.  I don't want to die without believing that I maturely tried to be able to love.

Keep trying!

LB