The Danger of

                Ignoring Your Family's Messages

No matter how loving your caregivers might have been, they still might have taught you views of men, women, love and the world that are not the best for you.

Without your necessarily knowing it, some of their words can cloud your ability to assess a new or existing partner.

Even if you can list your family "rules and views," you still run the risk of being on auto-pilot and falling into the trap of activating these messages without your full awareness.

Don't get blind-sided.  Here are the most common love traps and what to do about them.

Traps:

1. Your family fought a lot and you learned how to deal with it.  In your love life.  You tend to avoid confrontation or you choose a hothead because you feel comfortable handling it. Your family taught you that "people fight."

2.  Your family life included a caregiver with substance abuse problems.  You tend to find yourself with partners who drink too much or you get too rigid about not having ANY alcohol in your life.  Your family taught you that "drinking can't be helped."

3. Your family ignored, neglected or abused you.  You learned that "children aren't important."  You tend to chase and pursue your partner emotionally, explain away his behavior or hang in there way past the time to leave.

4.  Your parents got divorced.  You tend to cling to your partner or avoid getting close.  You learned in your family that love stinks and can't be trusted.  But your need for attachment and your fear of being abandoned are so high that you almost accept love at any cost.

5.  Your parents dumped all their own disappointments about themselves onto you. You heard messges such as "Girls shouldn't be smart," "You're nothing," "You have to become"...(fill in the blank), "marry"...(fill in the blank), "live nearby," "go to my college," etc.

Solutions:

1.  When you're in the midst of a disagreement or just came away feeling unhappy or uncomfortabe, do an Instant Replay.  Ask yourself:  Was that behavior acceptable?  Was I afraid to speak up? 

2. If you have a partner who likes to argue, you can go to a public place to talk.  Or you can write a note (no emails or text messages!) to your partner asking for help in resolving your problems.  Tell your mate that you want to get solution-oriented and that you don't want to do a "I said/You said."

3.  Make a list of all the family messages you learned, heard and observed.  Now make a list of the behaviors you enact that perpetuate the messages you don't want.  Ask yourself:  Am I part of the problem?  Am I minimizing behavior I shouldn't?

These are begining steps.  The most important thing to understand is that many of these family messages and rules are about your parents and caregivers--and not necessarily about you!  You can write your own truths about yourself!