Hello,

Your family problem of parents not accepting step-children is very common.  There are no instant solutions--and some parents never do open their hearts.  Here are my best suggestions.

1.  Send a letter to your parents.  The tone of the letter will be warm.  Keep that in mind all the time.  The letter will say something like the following (of course, make any changes necessary to reflect your style.)

Dear Mum and Dad,

The holiday and New Year are coming, and I want to take this time to write you to thank you for raising such a wonderful son.  You have taught me how to open my heart and be loving. 

I want you to know that my family sees these qualities in you too.  We all need you in our lives.  All my daughters have said to me that they want you in their lives.  They need guidance and connection and support from you and love you.  They see their friends who are cut off from their families, and they don't want this.  My daughters especially like (here you will have to fill in a few words such as your life experiences, home, smile, cookies, wisdom, etc.).

(The purpose of this paragraph is to make your Mum and Dad feel valued and NOT criticized.  This is important.)

I've been thinking about how to become a stronger family, so how about if we all get together and (once again, you must come up with an activity where all can share.  I don't know what you all like to do.  The goal is to create fun memories.  When people do things together, it builds bonds.  One thing that has especially worked is for everyone to chip in and do a good volunteer deed together.  You might wrap gifts for needy children, donate your old clothes as a family and then go out to eat, etc.)

I want to thank you again for teaching me to be loving.  I think I have done an okay job of that, but I want to do it better.  What can I do to make your life happier and your heart bigger in the following year?

(Then, from now on, when your parents only want to support or give gifts, etc. to your biological child, say thank you, but your New Year Resolution is to be more loving to your family and that you are trying very hard to do only things that include all.  Say to your Mum and Dad:  I know you are acting out of love, but I'm asking your support in understanding.  We all love you.)

(Stay with these ideas and format for at least one season--that's about how long it takes for other family members to "get it."  In the meantime, your Mum and Dad will TEST you to see whether you will stick to your warm guns.  Don't get angry.  Don't fall back into despair and marital quarrels.  Stay the course and warmly say what I mentioned about being more inclusive.  Always be sure to thank them.

Hope this helps.  Thank you for contacting me.

LB

Hello, I don't know whether you should move back home at this time.  For right now, I would focus on changing your behavior and seeing if it has any positive affect on him.  Give it a bit of time--I wish I could be more specific on how long, but usually, if you act differently and are no longer part of the problem, then the answer to whether you should leave or stay will be self-evident. However, you must first evaluate your physical safety.  Has he hit you?  Do you feel safe?  Do you have a safe place to go in the community if he is abusive?  Here are some interpersonal tips:

1.  Choose your battles.  Perhaps you can forego for now his not talking at dinner.  What's most important to you?  Less yelling? Less disrespect?  More hugs? 

2.  Instead of stating negatives to him such as "why don't you talk more?" or "why don't you kiss me more?", emphasize the positives by thanking/kissing/praising, etc. whenever he does something you like.

3.  When he yells at you, don't yell or hit or pout or storm out of the room.  Be calm but firm and say that you see that he's stressed, but that you don't like how he's treating you. So, offer to do a "do-over"--a "second chance of sorts" to get it right.  Give him the opportunity to change and improve without his losing face and without your losing self-respect.

Well, I think you get my point.  Unfortunately, in general, partners bring the same behaviors to the marriage that they brought to the courtship.  There is some reason that this man has been married many times.  You must also evaluate why you were willing to settle for little or no affection or communication in a relationship.  Finally, the best way to leave a relationship is when you know for sure that you have tried, that you understand how you chose this man and that you think leaving is better than staying.  I wish you the best.  Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Hello,

I have no idea if your spouse is having an affair--but something sure is going on.  The financial actions are a big red flag.  Be calm.  Ask what's going on.  You might also need to protect yourself financially, so you might want to consider seeing an attorney.  I wish you luck.  thank you for contacting me.  LB

Hello,

I am sorry that you are in such emotional pain, but I think you already have the solution but don't want to face it.  You have a lot of school responsibility right now, and you need to make your education and your life path your priority.  You obviously know that your relationship is not one that is emotionally healthy for you--otherwise you would have been proud to tell your parents.  I am sure you have strong feelings for this man, but we cannot always trust our feelings or use them as the only reason for our choices.  You do not need to settle for the scraps from a married man.  You say you are studying medicine--well, now is the time to start thinking like a health professional.  Sometimes the medicine does not taste good, but we know that we must take it to get better. 

Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Hello,

Thank you for contacting me.  I'm sorry you had such a heart-wrenching experience.  Without speaking to your wife, I of course have no real way of knowing why she divorced you.  I agree that part of the reason she left connects in some way to her past, but she still might have other reasons that originate in the marriage.  If you truly want to know if you played any part in the marital unhappiness, seek counseling.  You don't want to repeat the same mistakes in your next relationships.  You should address the following questions:

1.  Was I frequently defensive?  hot-headed?  dismissive of her?

2.  Did we solve problems together?

3. Was I affectionate, understanding and supportive?

4.  Did I tell her when things bothered me and did I ask her what was bothering her whenever I sensed something was on her mind?

5.  Did we get into "stand offs" where no one spoke about very important topics?

6.  Did we enjoy being with each other?  Were we each other's "help-mate?"

I hope this information is helpful.  I'm so sorry that I could not get back to you sooner, but there was a problem with my website and I didn't know about it.  Be well, LB

Hello,

I am so sorry for your most painful dilemma.  Whenever there are children, divorce is even more difficult than it already is. Even though your marriage has a history of being mistreated, it can still be quite a challenge to leave.  Many people don't understand why there should be any struggle about leaving an unkind partner.  Others often overlook the enormous emotional task of saying good bye to hope, to trust in one's judgement in choosing men, to future dreams and the wholeness of family life.  I know that this response is late--my website was not forwarding these requests to me--but if it is not too late, here's my take on divorce decisions: You can always leave.  The last thing you want for you and your children is to go back and forth on staying/leaving.  Pretend that you are starting your marital clock right now.  Trust him, start from a fresh beginning and see what happens.  If you send out signals of mistrust, then you will get defensiveness in return.  Keep a warm emotional environment, filled with hope and new ways of communicating.  If it's still not working, then you can at least go to sleep at night knowing that you REALLY tried.  I hope this is helpful.  Again, I apologize for the errors in my website.  Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Hello,

Fourteen is a most difficult age!  The brain has not hit its next growth spurt.  This spurt adds a beginning understanding of consequences and an ability to "think before acting."  So your son's difficulties are due, in part, to where his brain is developmentally.  However, that does not mean that you shouldn't start giving his brain a "kick-start."  Make sure that you are very, very clear about what you want him to do and not do.  Make sure that you spell out word for word what the consequences will be if he does not do what you want--whether it's cleaning his room, taking out trash, calling you, etc.  And then make sure that you follow through on your consequences.  Keep the emotional atmosphere warm but firm.  There is nothing to be gained by being mean in tone.  Then I would sit down with him and even show him this response or talk to him about what I am saying.  Finally, if he is hanging out with a drug, drop out, get in trouble crowd, he is telling you that he is feeling like a misfit.  He will not want to talk to you about his self-view, so you will have to approach it another way.  Ask him what he's into lately, what interests he'd like to explore, etc. and see if you can get him involved in new activities where he will meet new friends.  If you are very worried whether these friends of his are a problem, go to the school and talk confidentially to the teacher or principal, etc. to find out how they might help you steer your child to a new group.  Good luck.  These are difficult years.  Thank you for contacting me. LB

Hello,

The teen years are indeed difficult. One of the problems is the lack of enough brain development.  The brain has not reached its full maturity yet.  Consequently, teens are often not as attuend to their moods, feelings, consequences and methods of controlling their own actions.  It doesn't help that teens want more independence--which is normal--when their brains are not quite ready to handle it.  Parents have to fill in.  I would recommend to stop worrying about whether you are losing your daughter and aren't as close as you'd like to be.  In fact, it's better that you be her walls and foundation rather than her best buddy.  Choose your battles wisely and don't respond every time she makes a face or stomps up the steps.  Don't go for those little skirmishes.  Let her pout, etc.  It's more important that you give her very, very clear directives and expectations such as clean your room, help with dishes, do your homework, etc.  Let her know the consequences of not doing what's expected--and then follow through.  She will not seem to "like you" at these times, but if you stay strong, firm but still warm, she will thank you later.  My daughter is all grown up and on her own, and she now loves to tell other people stories about how her parents loved her so much that they wouldn't let her go to certain parties or to R-rated movies.  Kids need to feel cared for and know that their parents will put boundaries and safety nets around them--even and especially when kids complain.  Good luck!  Thank you for contacting me. LB

Hello,

Your problem is very common with step-families.  For now, let's put aside how your husband will do anything for her.  There are lots of reasons for this kind of behavior, and I don't know enough about him.  You have to pick your battles.  So, let's concentrate on your relationship with your stepdaughter.  I wish this problem were easy, but it's often not.  Right now, don't talk divorce to yourself or your husband.  For this kind of problem, there are usually two ways to start.  You could tell your husband that you would like his daughter to be happy so that you can all be great together.  Ask him what he suggests.  Tell him you're confused about what to do when his daughter is not kind because, after all, you know how important you and his daughter are to him.  Then add something like, "I'm wondering what we can do to make her feel less sad since children--especially adult children--are unkind or difficult because they're unhappy."  Sort of wonder out loud how he can say to her something like "I have enough love in my heart for both you and my wife...and your lack of kindness concerns me so much that I'm wondering what I did wrong." Be sure to be kind, hold his hand.  The goal is to step across that imaginary dividing line and seem to be on your husband's side of things.  The more you use confusion rather than anger, the better chance you will have some luck.  Never, of course, reprimand the daughter in public.  The second approach is to leave your husband out of it--for now--and write the stepdaughter a letter about how you sit in your room wondering what your stepdaughter needs, is interested in, etc.  If all else fails, tell your husband that you are helpless to come up with solutions and that you would like to go seek counseling.  IF he will not come, which is likely, then go ON YOUR OWN.  Find out from your insurance whom they provide or if you don't have insurance go to one of the sliding fees organizations like Catholic or Jewish Family Services --you don't have to be of the religion.  KEEP GOING TO COUNSELING.  Sooner or later, you can turn to your husband and say something like, "Gee, I do hope I'm telling the counselor the right things.  Would you come just to straighten out the story?' Get my drift, as they say? 
Best of luck to you. Thank you for contacting me.

LB

Hi,

Thank you for contacting me.  I'm sorry that you are in this predicament.  First, some of my thoughts about it.  Research shows that one of the fall-outs of parental divorce on men is career difficulties.  These men often struggle to identify their skills and passion while also dealing with fears of failure.  Do these issues describe your boyfriend?  Some professionals might view his decision to travel as his "last chance" to be be free of adult responsibilities and to "find" himself.  For some, travel just might be the best solution, but for others, it can be yet another excuse.  It's a difficult call. 

On these matters, I would show your boyfriend this email and ask him which best describes him.  If he says he feels the affects of the divorce (which still might be the more accurate answer even if he can't see it right now), then ask him to seek counseling.  Don't become his therapist.  Helpmate and supporter, yes, therapist no.  If he says he wants one more "chance," ask him--with kindness--what he needs to find or learn about himself.  Ask him what his plans are regarding money. 

In any event, don't nag or tell him what to do.  Asking open-ended questions that emphasize your need to understand is the best strategy because it potentially reduces his defensiveness and your anxiety.  You don't want to be critical.  Then, listen to his response and see what your instincts tell you.  For example, if you sense he is running away, you might consider using his travel time as an opportunity for both of you to think about what you need out of life right now and then date lots and lots of men while he is away. 

Unfortunately, with regard to life phase, many women in their late twenties are more mature than men of the same age.  Men often don't stabilize their identities and careers until early thirties.  Women tend to want to have secure relationships in their late twenties--in part due to desires for children and family.  If you do decide to "take a break" from each other, I would strongly suggest you use that time to date older and more established men.  I hope this is helpful. 

Thank you, LB

Hello,

I have several ideas that might help you. I would recommend that you both read "Lies at the Altar" by Robin L. Smith.  I am also strongly in favor in pre-marital counseling--even when couples are NOT having problems.  Now let's pretend for a moment that your fiance is NOT looking at other women--but that you are still insecure about something.  What MIGHT you be insecure about?  Bad family experiences?  Parents' marriage wasn't a good role model? Bad  past relationships?

In general, men look.  Their male brains are typically set for visual stimuli, a skill that some anthropologists say is a leftover survival mechanism from their centuries of hunting and mate-finding.  It's possible that, IF he's essentially a good person, that  his inept attempt to tell you in advance about his looking behavior at the party was his way of trying to say "I can't help it, but it doesn't mean anything."  ASK him if he said those words in defiance to you--or whether it was something kinder that kind of back-fired because of how  he managed it.  If all else is good and solid in your relationship, a man's looking is just looking.  Show him my response and see whether he's strong, secure and loving enough to take this advice.  I hope this information is helpful.  Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Hi,

It's great that you are starting out with smart goals--friendship and love.  Let's address some of those "thorns."

1.  Give up perfectionism.  Say to yourself:  "I am still lovable even if I am wrong.  Almost all mistakes are little ones."  One way to adjust your self-image about having to be perfect in order to be lovable and valued is to learn and do new things that are difficult but that you've always wanted to try.  In other words, get yourself accustomed to failing and dealing with it.  Usually, what happens, is that your self-esteem goes UP because you've worked hard at succeeding and won't give up!  This concept is the underlying idea in teen boot-camps where teens have to scale mountains to help develop a sense of accomplishment.

2.  NEVER nag or criticize your partner.  ALL of us have stupid quirks in our behaviors.  Accept them.  Treat your partner the way you would want to be treated.

3.  No partner is the "dream partner."  Identify your priorities by narrowing them down to 5 things you NEED.  See what ends up on your list.

4.  If you are having emotional ups and downs, see your gynecologist or internist to see what medications might help.  Exercise is a great way to manage these mood changes.  Chart your mood swings on a calendar and look for a pattern.  During those times, go ahead and think any thought you want--even write them down in a journal--but DO NOT voice them to your partner.  Consider yourself "not in your right mind" at the time.  I hope these help.  Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Thank you for your kind words.  So that other readers can benefit, here is some helpful information about setting limits with adult children.  Young adulthood is one of those life phase transitions such as a child going to school for the first time, turning 16, 21 or 30, getting married or starting a family.  Many young adults seem to act like young teenagers because their desires for independence run neck and neck with their fears of being dependent.  Because they don't recognize this help-me-but-don't-help-me inner battle, they can become insensitive, argumentative and entitled.  They don't yet trust in their own ability to manage life and want your help but don't want it.  They fight taking direction from you, especially if it involves being connected or appreciative of others.  Your job is to continue to set limits and expectations as though, on some level, your child still has a little too much age 14 in her or him.  For example, point out important errors such as not thanking others or not doing household chores.  Don't get into fights, keep your words short, sweet and to the  issue, explain consequences and then follow through on them.  In the letter from this single mother, on my advice, she wrote her son an email telling him that his college education and his new job were due to the generosity of other friends and family.  If he doesn't feel he needs any help from others, then he should pay back his college education to the relative who paid for it, quit his job and find his own.  He got the message!  LB

Thank you for your question.  I am sorry about taking a bit of time to get back to you, but there was difficulty with my hosting company.

I can help you.  Your problem is not unusual.  Even many women who do not have soft voices have similar difficulties.  The two main, interconnected problems are usually lack of self-confidence and insufficient follow-through--which are obviously related.  If you have any self-confidence issues in social settings (not all women do), then I would recommend that, for a few minutes, PRETEND you are someone else whom you admire and who would NOT have any difficulty talking to strangers.  Some of my clients have pretended to be their favorite, bold movie or television star such as Katherine Helpburn, Cameron Diaz or most of the women lawyers and doctors on television shows.  Secondly, I would recommend that after you smile, nod or say hello, make sure that you STAY there and do a follow through conversation.  You can introduce yourself, say your name, ask him his name and why he is at the event.  Always end your conversations with something that requires more than a yes or no from the man.  If you really want to get brave, then say something like:  "I'm usually shy, so I don't know what to say.  Tell me what you do and why you like it."  Thank you for contacting me and for being patient.  LB

Hello,

Thank you for contacting me.  You sure have been struggling with a great deal.  If you are REALLY serious about honoring your marriage and new bride, then you will seek professional help.  Compulsions of any kind usually make people feel out of control--and very ashamed and unhappy about losing that sense of control over one's life and impulses.  Harness that unhappiness and shame.  Use it to motivate you to address it now.  The general rule of love is that the problems that existed before the marriage exist after the marriage as well.  Do the honorable and brave thing--get help and stay with it.  If you don't wish to give up your problem, then tell your wife that you can't and won't change--and then offer her the choice of leaving.  Some spouses do stay with their troubled spouses to help them seek and stay in counseling.  Only the two of you know if this kind of team effort is worthwhile.  Best of luck, LB

Hello,

I am happy to help you.  For starters, let's address your two topics--support from your ex and your teeth.  Let's start with your teeth.  Do NOT go into debt for something like a crooked tooth.  You can probably afford to whiten them, however.  The Crest whitening strips work very well--if you follow the directions.  They are often on sale--or google CREST Coupons and see if you find anything.  So far, easy.  However, your boyfriend's sudden interest in your teeth bothers me a bit.  Usually, criticism about relatively minor image problems reflect any or all of the following in the person doing the criticizing:  shame, anxiety and other personal unhappiness with his issues, unhappiness in the relationship.  Go ahead and whiten your teeth with the CREST products--and if he is unhappy with the result, tell him he is more than welcome to pay for it.

Criticism about your income level and the lack of support from your ex might stem from the same root above in your boyfriend.  I said "might."  Your contribution to the problem might also come from a possible lack of assertiveness or pro-activeness on your part either career-wise (could you be looking for more work?) or from any financial wiggle-room in working with your ex.  Is he receptive at all to anything, for example? 

Overall, however, I am more concerned with what might be eating away at your boyfriend.  Is he having second thoughts about staying with you?  Is he going through rough times right now?  For example, how is work going for him?  Are there any anniversaries of parents' deaths coming up?  Is he getting anxious as he approaches 50? Etc.  You get the point.

Tell him nicely that you will whiten your teeth affordably (why shouldn't you--smiles are important), will focus on your work and othe ways, if any, to secure more cooperation from your ex.  Thank your boyfriend for his concern--and then sit back and see what happens.  If he is still critical, then ask him how you might be of assistance in helping him to be happy. 

Do-ings are better than Talk-things.  In other words, actions speak louder than words.  Get going on your end of the issues and see if your actions have an impact on his behavior.  The goals are for you to be more responsible for your end of things so you can then see and smoke out his contribution.

Hope this information is helpful.

Thank you, LB

Hello,

My, you are very brave to put this question out there in the universe.  For starters, you most definitely are NOT alone!  I haven't seen this problem often, but I have helped families who experienced this dilemma. 

I think I can help you.  Of course, whatever I say is preliminary and tentative since I don't know you or have enough details.  However, having said that, I treat this situation as I would any stepfamily.  Execpt, in your case, you are a stepfamily with a little "side story."  Here are some guidelines that also serve as smart advice for all step families and adoptive parents.

1.  In general, it's not necessarily the situation that is the problem--it's how the parents handle things.  For example, there are many divorced couples who manage co-parenting quite well. 

2.  Consequently, your first step is for you and your ex-husband to work as a team in raising your (adoptive) son.  Your ex is still the child's caregiving father.  He helped raise him--even if you don't care for his approach. (From your information, I'm assuming there has not been any abuse.)  Regardless of his adoptive father's personality, your son still has retained feelings about him.  Do not prevent your son from seeing the man who raised him.  And don't bad-mouth your ex.  If you and your ex cannot agree on key issues, such as your son knowing and having contact with his biological father, seek professional help.

3.  My take on this situation so far is that you got married, had children, got divorced and now found love with another man.  When you see it in that light, it is a situation that is extremely common to many families today.  The goals are to raise your children well, work with your ex and only involve your new partner in the life of your children and family life in general when you know that the relationship with this new man is healthy, kind, mature and stable. 

4. Children can adapt to new family members as long as the  person has a clear role in the family.  For example, if the new man is just mom's next boyfriend, then children get confused:  Should I bother gettting close to man number 9--or is he just going to up and leave too?  Your best strategy for the sake of your son's is to limit how much you bring this man into your family life until you know the romantic relationship has a solid and healthy future.  When in doubt, again, seek professional help.

5.  You said you and your ex agreed to open adoption.  This concept usually refers to letting a child over the age of 18  learn  about the biologicial  parents.  Your situation is very different. You have made the decision for your son to know his biological father.  Your information seems to indicate that your son really likes being with his biological father--which is most likely positive for your son. 

6.  However, try to evaluate if this biological father is going to be around and not just disappear if you and this man break up.

7.  Fathers who become ex-spouses/partners often get very jealous when a new man/husband comes into the picture.  The ex often feels displaced, undervalued and competitive.  When partners re-marry, the ideal situation is to have all parental figures work together.  Hah!  Wouldn't it be great if they could!  If you have custodial rights of your children, then you might have an edge on decision-making.  Ex husbands often have greater feelings of jealousy when the child is a boy.  Assure your ex that he has a role in his son's life.  Since you know your son and ex best, talk with your new man and possibly with a professional about your decisions regarding including both men.

8.  Make sure your new man is fatherly to the other adoptive children you have.  The other children might feel jealous that they didn't get a seemingly magical wish to meet a "better" father. 

I hope this information is helpful.  I would really seek professional help.  Call various therapists in your area and ask them about their areas of expertise.  Wait until you hear words such as "familes, stepfamilies, divorced couples," etc.  If you don't have the available funds, check out organizations such as Catholic Charities or Jewish Family Services.  You don't have to be of the particular religion to use their help.

Thank you for contacting me. 

Fondly, LB

Hello,

Great question.  A person doesn't have to have a major life event kickstart them into changing behavior, but these events certainly tend to increase motivation.  But don't despair, there are ways to refresh your relationship. 

1.  Get some sexual counseling as soon as possible.  The bedroom is no place for a battleground.  Often, couples play out pent up feelings about the relationship in the bed.

2.  Create a renewing ritual where you can announce clear changes in your behavior.  Go to a favorite restaurant, for example.  Or order flowers, light a candle, buy a card or write your own newing voes.

3.  Announce that you are starting the clock with now.  The past is the past. 

4.  Read some books about renewing your sex life. Write down the suggestions that you feel most comfortable with.  Pick a few and then ask your partner which one to begin with.

I hope this information is a good beginning for you.

Best of luck, LB

Hello, Mr. Bright,
There are many reasons why adult children use defensiveness and emotional distance with their families.  You hit on two key  elements:  1)The early death of a parent can often leave children terrified of any more unhappy endings.  These children often live with perpetual armor against the uncertainties in life.  2)  Remarriage and the births of more siblings--especially siblings the same sex as the children from the previous marriage--can spark fear of not being loved equally.  Even in loving families, children from previous marriages can act as though there is a competition for love.    Regardless of your daughter's reasons, the best way to handle it is not to be so willing to accommodate all her needs when she calls you.  It seems she has one foot in adulthood and one in adolescence--a common characteristic of many adult children these days.  Unless her requests are emergencies, don't be in such a hurry to fulfill her needs.  Continue to inform her via email about family events and invite her to all family ocassions.  Don't lecture.  Highly defensive children do not respond well to being confronted.  They often have limited ability to handle insight.  See what happens in about two months time.   If there is no change, please get back to me.
My best to you, LB  

HI,

Feelings of jealousy are red flags for any or all of the following: insecurity, fundamentally feeling unlovable or not good enough.  Since we were not hatched, it's a good bet that these problems originated in your family.  For example, was one of your parents very critical?  Had unrealistic expectations?  Didn't respect you and your different talents? 

Well, you can't change your past--but you can change how you think about these family messages.  First, tell yourself that these family messages are about your parents--and not about you.

Secondly, tell yourself not to believe them.

Thirdly, remind yourself daily of your good characteristix and why you are someone who deserves love.

Fourthly, stop the Spanish Inquisition of your partner.  Don't hover, overparent or interrogate. 

Fifth, ask yourself:  Is my partner doing things that just about anyone would question?  Remember, it takes two. 

Ask yourself how long you want to torture yourself with doubt.  Sometimes, doubt has a way of preventing someone from being intimate.  It's an artificial hurdle.  However, bear in mind that some partners invite mistrust.  Ask yourself how trustworthy your partner is regarding maturity and honesty.

Practice "biting your tongue" and avoiding inquisitions and see what happens.  When in doubt, seek counseling. 

Hope this infomation was helpful.  LB

Hello,

I have worked with many, many families from different wars.  I am not sure which article you are referring to.  I am happy to talk to you if you like.  Thank you for contacting me--and thank you for being a Marine Mom.  Most fondly, LB

Hello,

I think you're on to something about your boyfriend's insecurity.  Everyone needs to hear "I love you" from their partner, but that doesn't mean you should turn into a self-esteem machine for him.  We've all been hurt in love. His warning lights are flashing. 

The combination of his high needs for assurance, his moodiness and his overly-courtly behavior signal a man who could easily turn mean and controlling. It's very easy for women to be wowed by good manners these days--so few men have them.  But the base of his excessive old-fashioned courtliness may not be respect for you and womanhood.  Instead, it might the other way around.  He treats you in the beginning like a princess, but he secretly expects his princess to treat him like a king. 

Soon, his royal actions will include your remaining the "little lady/damsel in distress" forever.  His lack of kindness toward you already indicates that his royal needs come first.  If there's an increase in his temper and negativity. flee the castle.  Hope this information helps.  Thank you for contacting me.  LB

Hi.  Thanks for your great questions--which is actually one of the more frequent problems of working couples.  Here are some suggestions--and a warning.

1.  Pick the three top tasks that you dislike the most about household chores.  Then, show the list to your husband and ask him which one of these he would most like to do.

2.  Ask him to list the top three things that he dislikes the most about his chores.  Have him show you his list, and you pick which one you are willing to do--or learn to do.

3.  You can both change your choices by making sure you tell your spouse rather than get moody or upset.

Now here's the warning.  Even when women get their partners to help out with household chores, they are STILL unhappy.  Why?  There really is no mystery about it.  Sometimes, women speak in emotional "code."  What they are REALLY complaining about is how they feel they must carry the responsibility for the emotional management of the relationship.  So, ask yourself:  Am I unhappy about my partner's lack of emotional support, communication or tone?  Do I feel that he is tuned out to me and the children?  

If you answered yes to these questions, then sit down with your partner and tell him that you have a new plan to address this important issue.  It's very easy to do:  Each person MUST be responsible for ASKING and TELLING each other about problems.  If something is on your mind, TELL.  If you notice something is bothering your partner, ASK.  

Try these techniques.  Good luck.  Thank you for contacting me.

Just like Dorothy in the movie “The Wizard of Oz,” you’ve had your own red shoes-solution on you the whole time:  Your emotional cues.  The fact that you are “still having trouble adjusting” to a widespread dating behavior is a warning sign that this behavior does not fit into your values and character.  So, pay attention to that warning.

 
I will give you my observations about my clients’ reactions to sex-too-soon at the end of this answer.  But, for now, let’s look at the rapidly changing culture about women and sex today.

 
For women especially, sexual behavior tends to be highly personal.  Now women have sex for a range of “reasons,” ranging from feeling lonely, wanting experience or adventure, wanting to let a guy know you generally like him and, finally, to loving him. 

 
“Hooking up” tends to be just one of several activities to do with a man.  In high school, for example, young women gain popularity and social acceptance by having sex or giving oral sex. 

 
However, as a woman matures and gains life experiences, she learns what works for her and what doesn’t.  Respect the list of “NO’s” that you are establishing in you about sex.  Respect yourself by respecting your personal meaning about sex.

 
If you look at the above discussion, however, you will note that I have used the words “tends to” in discussing women’s sexual behavior.  In over thirty years of counseling women—in all kinds of situations and relationships—I’ve learned that women want meaningful sex in long-term, trusting relationships. 

 
Too many times, my women clients have come home from a “fling” in Cancun and then spent weeks by the phone or email, waiting to hear from a man whom they knew well in advance would not follow up. 

 
Don’t be fooled by the social bravado and seeming carefree words and behavior of many of these women.  They are often not free at all.  Instead, they are hiding—or running from—their own strong needs to attach, care and be cared for.

 
So, listen to yourself.  Learn about yourself.  Respect your own emotional rules and limits.
 

You are not alone. ALL long-term couples have to deal with managing the space between the two extremes of “Time Alone” and “Time Together.”

It seems that we each have a highly personalized “comfort zone” along the continuum of these two extremes. This comfort zone isn’t something that we usually think about it. It’s just there. We do, however, think about it when differences in compatibility arise.

Comfort zone problems don’t usually emerge for newly-wed because their “love-chemicals” in their brains are still ruling. After the “high” levels off, it’s easier to observe the differences—if there are any. In fact, some couples have said to me: I can’t believe how compatible we are. We even like to be apart and together for the same amount of time.”

Because couples often unknowingly choose each other because of this embedded compatibility, they often have minimal problems in managing the “together-not-together” continuum.

Even though you feel emotionally crowded now, you still might have a shared comfort zone of togetherness. Here are two suggestions to think about. Perhaps these will spark some other solutions. Remember, every situation is different.

1. Become a “relationship sleuth.” Ask yourself: Other than being married, what has changed? Have important events occurred that might account for this change? For example, did one parent become ill or die? Do you have children? Has one of you had to relocate to a new area? Is one of you beginning a new career?  Starting school?   Join the armed forces? Has one of you been ill? In your mind, run a two-year film of your lives and see what events you would add.

2. Talk it out and get solution-oriented and not blame-oriented. Rehashing the past does not usually yield results. If you can’t come up with a plan, seek professional help. And don’t give up hope—this problem can usually be solved.

HI,

So sorry you're in that "stay or go" mode. It's tough. Of course, I don't have enough info to really advise you, but here are some thoughts.

1. Men are lookers. They're heads seem to turn whether they want them to or not. Most of the time, it's just that--looking and feeling a momentary jolt.

2. Business trips with enticements? Unfortunately, it's all too common. But, once again, not all men pluck the fruit. In fact, it's usually the same guys on these business trips who fall for that mix of temptation and fantasy.

3. So, now, ask yourself OUT LOUD: "If I took the looking or my fears of his cheating off the table, what else would make me want to leave?" Also ask yourself OUT LOUD: "Other than his providiing the main income, what DID I like and love about him when we married?" "What are his good qualities now?"

4. In the meantime, have you developed any interests or training outside the home?

Think about these things. Feel free to get back to me with your thoughts and reactions. I am happy to help.

Fondly, LB

Unfortunately, the married Mama’s Boy is alive and well. And what does he have to do with intrusive mothers-in-law? Well, women married to this kind of man already know the answer: He rarely stands up for his wife when his mother criticizes her. And if he can’t defend his turf at the source of the problem, then he will most likely have trouble managing criticism of his wife from other people.

Criticizing and generally trying to control things are the hallmark of these mothers. They have an opinion about everything—and they get hurt, angry and/or persistent when they don’t get their way. Why?  

Before I provide you with some suggestions, let’s look at what makes many of these mothers tick.

This kind of mother usually has a long history of being disappointed in their husbands. The son is usually “anointed” to be the kind of man she wished she had chosen. The mother puts all the eggs of her hopes and dreams into her son’s basket. When the son doesn’t turn out exactly as she planned—including marrying the kind of girl she thinks he should marry—then the mother feels diminished and depressed. 

Secretly, she wonders: “What did I do wrong?” She has based her self-worth on the successful completion of her most important project in life, so it devastates her that it didn’t turn out as planned. 

The mother is often so lonely that she also hoped that her son would live close by so that she can continue to rely on their relationship to fill the holes in her life. 

Once a daughter-in-law understands that the criticism is how the mother expresses her own life disappointments, it is sometimes easier to manage the intrusiveness and negativity. Smart daughters-in-law know that the comments are NOT about her. 

Women married to this kind of man, however, build their own pile of disappointments about their husbands. These men usually start out as kind, but soon the wife learns that his kindness conceals a fear of not pleasing others. Problems arise when the husband fails to defend his wife. So, what can you do about it?  

Here are some tips. Not all of them will apply to your situation, but these suggestions will give you an idea about how to approach this difficult problem.

1. On a scale of 1-10, tell your husband how hurt you are when he didn’t defend you in a particular incident. Tell him you are not blaming him--after all, it’s not easy for him to change years of his mother’s behavior and feelings. 

2. Get solution-oriented rather than re-hashing the past. Let your husband know what you’d like him to do. For example, make a list of the most hurtful events.

3. REHEARSE with your husband how he will handle communicating this issue with his mother.

4. If face-to-face contact makes your husband babble, then suggest that your husband e-mail his mother. Regardless of which approach you use, try to restrict this communication to about 3-5 sentences. Don’t accuse or go over things. Use your solutions to set “ground rules.”

5. “Ground rules” might consist of a change in holiday visits or what to bring your children. 

6. Develop a few “tried-and-true” things that your husband can say to your mother-in-law or other hurtful people in defense of you. You don’t have to get fancy. A few sentences such as “Mom, my wife worked very hard at this.” Or, “We like to keep things positive in this house.”

7. A more advanced approach that works is to compliment the offending person for her opinion. You then embed in your remark what you would like the person to say.  

For example, try saying something like this: “What I like about you mom is that you feel comfortable enough with us to speak your mind. So I know you’d like to add the other half to that thought: ‘My wife is also an excellent mother.’”

 (Or whatever positive sentence applies to the situation.)

Why should you try to be so kind to such unkind people? Because this approach allows the offending person to save face, it increases greatly the chance that she/he will be kinder in the future. It also gives the person a clear “script” of what to say next time. 

1. Support your husband in making a major change in how he communicates with his mother. You might, over time, see improvements in how he manages other people such as bosses. 
   

2. Don’t let your husband’s difficulties in this area determine whether you should love him. Don’t become part of the problem by criticizing him. Help him grow.

3. Finally, remember that all important changes in life take time. Don’t measure success in weeks but rather in seasons.